My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T-E-D..TED...
NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the service
of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because
everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any
idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents
are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault,
burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore
and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little
blue bow f#@king tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore
becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough,
he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the
whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because
no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!
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