Male Monologues - Monologues

1791 was the year it happened. I was 24, younger than you are now. But times were different then. I was a man at that age, the master of a large plantation just south of New Orleans. I had lost my wife in childbirth. She and the infant had been buried in less than half a year. I

Whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful - it all makes sense, doesn't it? Inside your head. You never meet anybody who thinks they're a bad person or that they're cruel. ... Don't you put the past in a room, in the cellar, and lock the door and just never go in there? Because that's what I do. ... Then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key, say open up, step inside, but you can't because it's dark, and there are demons,

When I was a little kid, maybe five years old in the old country, my mother used to say to me -- she'd warn me, she'd say, "Don't get too close to people, you'll catch their dreams". Years later, I realized I misunderstood her. "Germs", she said, "not dreams, you'll catch their germs." I want you to know

I didn't know. I was in a panic. I guessed she'd been bitten by an insect, but there was no doctor. The nearest hospital was forty miles away, and Zoe was continuing to swell. Klara took her in her arms and tried to breast-feed her, while I dialed the hospital. I finally got a doctor on the line.

I've done everything the loving father of a drug addict is supposed to do......I've sent her to the best hospitals, she's seen all the best doctors. It doesn't matter. Two weeks later she's on the street. New York, Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Toronto, L.A. The next time I hear from her, it's a phone call scamming for money. Money for

I came to America in 1914--by way of Philadelphia. That's where I got off the boat. And then I came to Baltimore. It was the most beautiful place you ever seen in your life. There were lights everywhere! What lights they had! It was a celebration of lights! I thought they were for me, Sam, who was in America. Sam was in America! I know what holiday it was, but there were lights. And I walked under them. The sky exploded, people cheered, there were fireworks! What welcome it was, what a welcome! I didn't know

Cheese, if you ever disrespect her again like that, I'm gonna pull your f#@kin' card, okay? So you're saying you didn't do it, fine. We'll take your money, and we'll be on our way. When it turns out you're lying, I'm gonna spend every nickel of that money to f#@k you up. I'm gonna bribe cops to go

I read this article a while back, it said the Microsoft employs more millionaire secretaries than any other company in the world. they chose stock options over Christmas bonuses. It was a good move. …

We don't hire brokers here, we train new ones. That's it Skippy - pack your sh!t, let's go. Okay, here's the deal, I'm not here to waste your time. Okay, I certainly hope you're not here to waste mine, so I'm gonna keep this short. Become an employee of this firm, you will make your first million within

You look ridiculous in that makeup. Like a caricature of a whore. A little touch of mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's mastepiece. There's too many f#@king flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know, in the top of the closet, cardboard box, I found all your -- I found all your little goodies. Pens, key chains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergymen's collar. I didn't

Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the

I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige,

Yes. He caught his one night coming back from reconnaissance. I wouldnt take him but McGill did. Just to give the laddy a taste. And they were nearly home when a maxim gun opened fire. Barnetts body on this wire that was thick as briars. It was hanging there the next morning. It as only a hundred yards

I reckon what you'd wantin' to know is what I'ma doin' in here. I reckon the reason I'm in here cause I killed somebody. Mm-hmm. But I reckon that you'd wantin' to know is how come he killed somebody. So I reckon I'll start at the front. Mm-hmm. I lived out on my mother's and father's place. Most of my life in a little ole shed that my daddy built for me. Mm. They didn't too much want me up there in the house with the rest of 'em. Mm.

You know, you, uh, ought to take a look at the statistics on suicide sometime. You might learn a little something about the insurance business...Come now, you've never read an actuarial table in your life, have you? Why, they've got 10 volumes on suicide alone. Suicide by race, by color, by occupation, by sex, by seasons of the year, by time of day. Suicide, how committed: by poisons, by firearms, by drowning, by leaps. Suicide by poison, subdivided by types of poison, such as corrosive, irritant, systemic, gaseous, narcotic, alkaloid,

But not a snitch! [Trask] Slade: No, I don't think I will. This is such a crock of sh!t. [Trask] Slade: Mr. Sims doesn't want it. He doesn't need to labeled, "...still worthy of being a 'Baird Man.'" What the hell is that? What is your motto here? "Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide. Anything short of that we're gonna burn you at the stake?" Well, gentlemen. When the sh!t hits the fan, some guys run

The tail's in the tail. Ha. Oh, but I still smell her. Women, what could you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a f#@king genius. The hair. They say that the hair is everything, you know? Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls, just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips,

She was fifteen years old, going on thirty-five, Doc, and she told me she was eighteen, she was very willing, I practically had to take to sewing my pants shut. Between you and me, uh, she might have been fifteen, but when you get that little red beaver right up there in front of you, I don't think it's crazy at all and I don't think you do either. No man alive could resist that, and that's why I

That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales, let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Lets say I go into someguy's office and lets say he's even remotely intrested in buyin' something. Well then I get all excited, I'm like JoJo, the Indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. The

Uh, what my associate is trying say is that, uh... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, uhmm, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. (He picks up a model car from the desk) And you're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo woooo. Then, all of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEHHHHHH! Whoa, that was close.... Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're drivin' with the "other guy's" brake

In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme

So she moved me up a grade 'cause I wasn't fitting in, so now I'm even more not fitting in. I was getting good grades, you know, like all A's. So my mom says, "You need stimulation." I said, "No, I don't. I'm stimulated enough right now." So she says, "Uh-uh. You don't have a challenge. You need a challenge." So now I'm challenged, all right- I'm challenged to hold on to my lunch money because of all the big mooses who wanna pound me, 'cause they think I'm a

Don't look at me like that. You're not the only one who's trapped. They expect me to cook it again! I mean, I'm not ambitious. I wasn't trying to cook. I was just trying to stay out of trouble. You're the one who was getting fancy with the spices! What did you throw in there? Oregano? No? What? Rosemary? That's a spice, isn't it? Rosemary? You didn't throw rosemary in there? Then what was all the flipping and all the throwing the...(he sits down) I need this job. I've lost

All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but to take flight...to soar above everything and everyone...now that's living. But a hawk is no good around normal birds. It can't fit in. Even though all the other birds probably want to be hawks, they hate them for what they can't be. Proud. Powerful. Determined. ...Dark. Odin is a hawk. He soars above us. He can fly. One of these days...everyone's

Hugo. Hugo! Hugo -- pipe down! Everybody sit down and shut the f#@k up. Now somebody here knows the truth. Somebody needs to tell the g*dd@mn truth. My life is over. That's it. But when all of you are out of here living yours, sittin around talking about that nigger that lost it back in high school, you

I'm sorry, I can't, I can't do this. It didn't happen. We loved each other, we broke it off. If I don't -- Jesus, if I don't say this now, it'll never - she'll never be a part of this. What are we - what are we doing here? I don't even - I don't even know this guy. She - she didn't even know this guy. What's he got to do with her? I don't - look, you asked me to bring her in the room, and

Well, you know, it was kind of a deal, the whole thing. The clean up alone took days. You'd be amazed at what a mess a high-caliber weapon can make, and in a restaurant, all those little pieces of -- all of-- well, anyway, let's just say it was pretty time-consuming. Then you got the whole burial to

When I go to bed at night I do 4 things. I drop my robe, slide under the sheets, turn on my left side and stick out my ass. That's it. That's the signal. I just - I back it right up there because I know when I do, no matter how cold the damn thing is, no matter how difficult it might feel, no matter how desperately we want to kill each other it's gonna be met by this warm body on the other side that's gonna hold it.

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of

Mother? Is my mother here? I'd know her cooking anywhere! Mother, you at least go home. I will tell you tonight how it turns out. I hope that it will be good news, mother. I hope I can tell you how I convinced these...good people to leave my lord William unharmed. For I have never seen a heart that beats like the one in this man. Great it is, swollen with all the virtues risen of pride, full, free, courageous, constant and most of all...filled with hope.At least until

My lords! My ladies. And everyone else here not sitting on a cushion! Today....today....you find yourselves equals. For you are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, nay, the pleasure....of introducing to you a knight sired by knights. A knight who can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemagne. I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking His forgiveness for the Saracan blood spilt by his sword. Next, he amazed me further still in Italy when he saved a fatherless beauty from

What a pair we make, hmm? Both trying to hide who we are. Both unable to do so. Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough. But you also tilt when you should withdraw. And that is knightly too. Release him. He may appear to be of humble origins. But my personal historians have discovered that he descends from an ancient royal line. This is my word. And as such is beyond contestation. Now, if I may repay the kindness you

You ever been hunting, Peggy?...I went a couple of times with my uncle. New Hampshire. It's an incredible sensation. You have to be very quiet. Take it down with the first shot or you scare it away. And sometimes you have to go up and finish it off. Then you tie it to the bumper and you go home. But you know what I've always wanted to do? I would pick it up, throw its back to my shoulder....."

Ray Brower's body was found. But neither our gang nor their gang got the credit. In the end we decided that an anonymous phone-call was the best thing to do. We headed home. And although many thoughts raced through our minds we barely spoke. We walked through the night and made it back to Castle Rock a little past five o'clock on Sunday morning, the day before Labor Day. We'd only been gone two days. But somehow the town seemed different. Smaller. As time went on we saw less and less of Teddy and Vern until eventually

Eckhart saw Hell too. You know what he said? He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. Relax. Good. So, the way he sees it: if you're frightened of dying and - and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing ya

Let me try and clarify some of this for you. Best Company Supermarkets are not interested in selling wholesome foods, they are not worried about the nation's health. What is concerning them, is that the nation appears to be getting worried about its health, and THAT is what's worrying BestCo,

Do you see this fine thing? Do you admire the humanity of it? Because the human beings, my son, they believe everything is alive. Not only man and animals. But also water, earth, stone. And also the things from them... like that hair. The man from whom this hair came, he's bald on the other side, because I

Don't worry... don't worry. I'm not gonna do... what you all think i'm gonna do, which is just FLIP OUT!! But let me just say, as I ease out of the office, that i helped build... I'm sorry, but it is a FACT... that there is such a thing... as manners. A way of treating people. These fish have manners. These fish have manners. In fact, they're coming with me. I'm starting a new company, and the fish are coming with me. You can call me

First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a

Here's a theory for you to disregard completely. Music, you know, true music, not just rock 'n' roll, it chooses you. It lives in your car, or alone, listening to your headphones -- you know, with the vast, scenic bridges and angelic choirs i your brain. It is a place

I broke up with someone recently. Jennifer, my last girlfriend. I did it in a crowded restaurant. She just stared at me with that look: "How can you pass me up?" I told her we weren't right and all the stuff we both knew. Week later I realized I was wrong, tried to get back together with her;

Linda, uh, it's me. I had to call you. It's about midnight. I was just having many beers. And, uh, I just wanted to say what I should have said at the dock. I f#@king chickened out when I acted casual, like Mr. Casual. I should have said it. You...belong...with...me! We belong together. And what really pisses me off is that, now that we're really talking, you thought i proposed to you only because you were pregnant. What's that about! I mean...hey, this is not the bathroom! And you know

Wait. Okay, okay. Okay. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in the living room. They'd send me in there, I'd do it alone. And now I just...

Who had I become? Just another shark in a suit? Two nights later at a conference in miami I had a breakdown. Breakdown? Breakthrough. I couldn't escape one single thought: I hated myself. No,no, here's what it was: I hated my place in the world. I had so much to say and no one to listen. And then,

Why are you with me, Rod? Don't you get it? Can't you see? I'm a loser! You like this coat Rod? You like it? You want it? Well, you can have it! Because I don't need it. Because I am cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft pick the night before the draft! I'm a cautionary tale. I've become...I don't even know.... And why? Because a hockey player's son made me feel like a superficial jerk! I had two slices of bad pizza, went to bed a grew

You know, because once you go to LA, you're gonna have friends like crazy. But they're gonna be fake friends. They're gonna try to corrupt you. You know, you got an honest face, and they're gonna tell you everything. But you CANNOT make friends with the rock stars. If you're

You all know me. You know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish! Not like goin' down to the pond chasing bluegills or tommycats. This shark will swallow you whole. Shakin'. Tenderizin'. Down you go. Now we got to do it quick. That'll bring back the

That way, all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, and pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten, right, Mom? Then you can spend your days in a guilt-free pursuit of more constructive activities, like telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are. And that way

Are you cold? I don't know if you'd be particularly interested in hearing anything about me. My life, I mean... Most of it doesn't add up to much... that I could relate as a way of life that you'd approve of... I'd like to be able to tell you why, but I don't really... I mean, I move around a lot because things tend to get bad when I stay. And I'm looking... for auspicious beginnings, I guess... I'm trying to, you know, imagine

It - it's just... all right, Tuesday night is tofu night, and I'm asking myself "Who here decided that everyone likes tofu in the first place, and what is tofu anyway?" And why can't I have bacon? I line up every morning, and I'm not allowed any bacon for my breakfast. And - and tell me - let's

No, and that's us, right? We drown it. Kill it. Numb it, anything not to feel. You know, when I was a doctor in London, no one ever said 'medahani'. They don't thank you like they thank you here. 'Cause here they feel everything, straight from God. There's no drugs, no painkillers. It's the weirdest, purest thing -

It shrinks my liver, doesn't it? It pickles my kidneys, yes. But what does it do to my mind? It tosses the sandbags overboard so the balloon can soar. Suddenly, I'm above the ordinary. I'm competent, supremely competent. I'm walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. I'm one of the great ones. I'm Michelangelo, molding the beard of Moses. I'm Van Gogh, painting pure sunlight. I'm Horowitz, playing the Emperor Concerto. I'm John Barrymore before the movies got him by the throat. I'm Jesse James and his two brothers - all

Dia, what are you doing? Dia! Look at me. What are you doing? You are Dia Vandy. Of the proud Mende tribe. You are a good boy who loves soccer and school. Your mother loves you so much. She waits by the fire making plantains and red palm oil stew with your sister N'Yanda...and the new baby. The cows wait for you. And Babu, the wild dog who minds no one but you. Hm? I know they made you do bad things but you are not a bad boy. I am your father...who loves you. And you

Okay. Well, uh, I was living with this woman, Naomi, a couple years ago, and my friends, Robin and Carey, invited us to this party at the beach. Naomi couldn't go because she was working on a paper for school. So I went. I didn't really want to, either. I don't like parties, you know? I didn't even

Random Thoughts, for Valentines day, 2004. The day's a holiday invented by greeting card companies, to make people feel like crap. I ditched work today. Took a train out to Montauk. I don't know why. I'm not an impulsive person. I guess I just woke up in a funk this morning. I have to get my car fixed. "Hi Sydney? It's Joel. Listen, I don't feel very well today. No. Food poisoning I think." It's g*dd@mned freezing on this beach! Montauk in February. Brilliant, Joel. Pages are ripped out,

Angraecum Sesquipidale. Beauty! God! Darwin wrote about this one. Charles Darwin? Evolution guy? Hello! See that nectory all the way down there? Darwin hypothesized a moth, with a nose 12 inches long would pollinate it. Everyone thought he was a loon. Then sure enough, they found this moth, with a 12 inch proboscis. Proboscis means nose by the way. Point is, what's so wonderful, is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There's a certain orchid that looks exactly like

Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head? Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short; I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. Oh well. The dentist called again, I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on

Stop that! Stop it, stop it. I can bear the rest of it. I can't listen to that! Why do you take so long dying? You're going to die anyway! Oh, no. Oh no. You won't die. Oh, no. You won't die. They're only little wounds. You'll get home. You'll be all right. You'll get home long before I will. (He grabs some water to give to the soldier but then notices he is dead) You know I can't run away. That's why you accuse me. I tell you, I

I would like to say something your honor, not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock....your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life...Not only is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a crook, who has taken money from

Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation! How humiliating. Max Bialystock! Max Bialystock! You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Del Monaco's, $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye!... Look at me now. Look at me now! I'm

Yeah, I was the kid...it got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B Demille. Got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word draw in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street, and I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it Mister!" I spun around and there I was face to face with a six-year-old kid. Well I just threw my guns down and walked

Coke. You see, we drink it. It's a, it's a drink. You know, food. These are toys, these are little men. This is Greedo, and then this is Hammerhead, see this is Walrus Man, and this is Snaggletooth and this is Lando Calrissian See...and look, they can even have wars. Look at this. Look fish. Fish eat the

What did the duke do?...and the Doge do? Well, the doge did what a doge does. When a doge does his duty to a duke, that is...when the doge did his duty and the duke didn't, that's when the duchess did the dirt to the Duke with the doge...they were in the dark. The Duke with his dagge,

Took medical leave. It was making me sick. Burned out, I guess, wasn't up for it. One day, I got a call, for a jumper. A young Mexican girl. Pregnant, infected with AIDS, totally strung out. She was truly one of the doomed. And I asked her to come off the ledge and into my arms and she asked me why she should bother living. Cual es el punto de vivir? I was trained to tell her lots of things. Her dreams, all the people who'd miss her. But for

Do you know the first attraction I ever built when I first came here from Scotland? It was a flea circus...Petticoat Lane. It was quite spectacular. Spared no expense. There was a miniature merry-go-round and a wee trapeze and a car-carousel... and a see-saw. They all moved, motorized of course, but people would say they could see the

Don't you see the danger, John, in what you're doing here? Genetic force is the most awesome power the planet's ever seen, but you wield it like a kid that found his dad's gun. I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here. It didn't acquire any discipline to attain it. You read what others have done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourself so therefore you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses

Sorry. Just having a little trouble, a little trouble at home. A little domestic trouble. Nothing to be alarmed at, just a little...female problem. Hi! Don't pay any attention! It's a cheap trick! Anybody can do it, I taught it to them myself! Ungrateful little B!*CHES aren't they? Can I ask you something? You're all church going folk.

Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win, for somebody who wouldn't let us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those maggots at the airport, protestin' me, spittin', callin'

Heehoo! Havin' trouble with the livin'? You tired of havin' your home space violated? Wanna get rid of them pesky livin critters once and for all? Well come on down and see me folks, I'm the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist. Yes siree! So come on down, and I'll tell ya, I'll do anything. I'll scare 'em real bad. Hell,

Thank you very much. Hello Camp Firewood, hello. Thank you for having me. You know I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age, it was the Ice Age. No, really it was the Stone Age. But folks actually I went to Camp Makluden in

That's why we call it The Majestic. Any man, woman, child could buy their ticket, walk right in. Here they'd be, here we'd be. "Yes sir, yes ma'am. Enjoy the show." And in they'd come entering a palace, like in a dream, like in heaven. Maybe you had worries and problems out there, but once you came through those doors, they didn't matter anymore. And you know why? Chaplin, that's why. And Keaton and Lloyd. Garbo, Gable, and Lombard, and Jimmy Stewart and Jimmy Cagney. Fred and Ginger. They were

Well, I listen to stories and decide if they'll make good movies or not. I get 125 phone calls a day, and if I let that slip to 100, I know I'm not doing my job. Everyone that calls, they want to know one thing: They want me to say "Yes" to them and make their movie. If

Are you desirable? Are you irresistable? Maybe if you drank bourbon with me, it would help. Maybe if you kissed me and I could taste the sting in your mouth it would help. If you drank bourbon with me naked. If you smelled of bourbon as you f#@ked me, it would help. It would increase my esteem for

The details of my life are quite inconsequential. (Pause) Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant

So there, I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So -

Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet....

Okay. I have a vestigial tail. It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He

My brother and I, we were here for every game. Till he left for the war. I thought it'd be the same when he came back, but, uh, he talked a little less...and drank a little more. I promised my mother I would help him get through it all. So I caught up with him this one night

I was thinking the other day, uh, I remember I once took a date out for surf and turf, not knowing she was a vegetarian. So she ate bread and uh, and broke her tooth on a rye seed. We drove around all night looking for a, for an all-night dentist, and he was so drunk, he fixed

The man. Oh, you don't know the man? The man's everywhere: in the White House, down the hall, Miss Mullins; she's the man! And the man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay! And there used to be a way to stick it to

You want me to teach you something? What? You want to learn something? Alright, here's a useful lesson: Give up! Just quit! Because in this life you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end your just gonna loose, BIG TIME! Because the world is run by the man! Frankie: Who? Dewey: The man. Oh, you don't know

The fact that the candidate you're being asked to vote for is at this moment rotting in an English jail should put you off! Sure wasn't I in one myself 'till a week ago? They can jail us. They can shoot us. They can even conscript us. They can use us as cannon fodder in the sod. But...but

I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're

Will you listen very, very carefully to me? Just for once--This may be the last time I ever talk to you. Not everyone in this world is after your magnificent body, lady. In the first place, it's not so magnificent. It's fair, but it ain't keeping me up nights, you know? I don't even think you're very pretty. Maybe if you smiled once and awhile, okay, but I don't want you to do anything against your religion. And you are not the only person in this city ever to get dumped on.

So, the day after I turned 18, I kissed the folks goodbye, got on a Trailways bus - and headed for the big bad apple. Cause I wanted to be a Rockette. I decided to be a Rockette because this girl in my home town - Louella Heiner - had actually gotten out and made it in New York. And she was a Rockette. Well, she came home one

Look, you're my student, you, you have a choice. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do; that is your choice. The reason *I* take cases -- and here I'm unlike most other lawyers, who are not professors and therefore have to make a living -- I take cases because I get pissed off. And

For most of the guys, killings got to be accepted. Murder was the only way that everybody stayed in line. You got out of line, you got whacked. Everybody knew the rules. But sometimes, even if people didn't get out of line, they got whacked. I mean, hits just became a habit for some of the guys. Guys would get into arguments over nothing and before you knew it, one of them was dead. And they were shooting each other all the time. Shooting people was a normal thing. It was no big deal. We had

It was easy for all of us to disappear. My house was in my mother-in-law's name. My cars were registered to my wife. My social security cards and driver's licenses were phonies. I never voted. I never paid taxes. My birth certificate and my arrest sheet, that's all you'd ever have to know I was alive. See, the hardest thing for me was leaving the life. I still love the life. And we were treated like movie stars with muscle. We had it all, just for the asking. Our wives, mothers, kids, everybody rode along. I had

The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with

When you love someone, you've gotta trust them, there's no other way. You're got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had. Before I ever ran a casino, or got myself blown up, Ace Rothstein was a hell of a handicapper, I can tell you that. I was so good, that whenever I bet, I could change the odds for every bookmaker in the country, I'm serious, I had it down so

You know, we always called each other good fellas. Like you said to, uh, somebody, 'You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a good fella. He's one of us.' You understand? We were good fellas. Wiseguys. But Jimmy and I could never be made because we had Irish blood. It didn't even matter that my mother was Sicilian. To become a member of a crew you've got to be one hundred per cent Italian so they can trace all your relatives back to the old country. See, it's the highest honor they can give you.

Oh, no, no, no, this is not a gag, no. Honest. It was when I was in Canada. I used to slip over the border sometimes, and one night I heard some negress singing in a bar. If ever I saw any hope or strength in the human race, it was in the face of that old, fat negress

Look, everybody else in America's already been to Prague. What's the big deal if you send on extra? (Pause) I'm sorry. You see, I've been needing to go there for a long time now. I mean there's Czech and Slovakia, and a big Jewish cemetery, and the opera house. Maybe that's Vienna where the opera house is. But

Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive

No, no, no, I never said that. ...Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can. ...This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. ...That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the

Well, how about this way? I love that you get cold when it's seventy one degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love that you get a little crinkle above you nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts, I love that after I spend a day

I've called you here as freeborn Englishmen, loyal to our king. While he reigned over us, we lived in peace. But since Prince John has seized the regency, Guy of Gisbourne and the rest of his traitors have murdered and pillaged. You've all suffered from their cruelty - the ear loppings, the beatings, the blindings with hot irons, the burning of our farms and homes, the mistreatment of our women. It's time to put an end to this! Now, this forest is wide. It can shelter and clothe and feed a band of good, determined men -

...my profession is writing, not talking. But from my struggling youth until today, my principal aim has been to strive for truth. That is why I entered this fight. All my friends have told me that it was insane for a single person to oppose the immense machinery of the law, the glory of the Army, and the power of the State. They warned me that my actions would be mercilessly crushed, that I would be destroyed. But what does it matter if an individual is shattered, if only justice

Let us not mourn him. Let us rather salute that bright spirit of his which will live forever, and like a torch, enlighten a younger generation inspired to follow him. You who are enjoying today's freedom, take to your hearts the words of Zola. Do not forget those who fought the battles for you and bought your liberty with their genius and their blood. Do not forget them and applaud the lies of fanatical intolerance. Be human. For no man in all the breadth of our land more fervently loved

Mr. President of the Republic. Permit me to tell you that your record without blame so far is threatened with a most shameful blot - this abominable Dreyfus affair. A court-martial has recently, by order, dared to acquit one Esterhazy, a supreme slap at all truth, all justice. But since they have dared, I too shall dare. I shall tell the truth. Because if I did not, my nights would be haunted by the specter of an innocent being expiating, under the most frightful torture, a crime he never committed.

No, no. Just thinking. Cezanne's gone. Back to Provence. We didn't quarrel but he's taken something of me with him. The last of my youth..(snickers) He said I was getting too famous and too fat. Well, what if I have? I've fought my battles and I want calm, rest. From now on, I can look only backward. Strange, isn't it? Paul and I. Well, life is tricky and I suppose we don't influence our fate. While we're playing piquet, a starving mother and child jump into the river Seine. A

I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called "possesion of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to

Let her go. Let her go, man. Another Quaalude, she gonna love me again. What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of f#@kin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be. You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your f#@kin' fingers and say, "That the bad guy." So...what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide--how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth.

Of course Mom and Dad didn't want me to come here, they wanted me to be just like them. Respectable, hardworking, a little house, a family. They drove me crazy with their g*dd@mn world Grandma, you know, Mom....I guess I always been sheltered and special. I just wanted to be anonymous like everybody else. Do my share for my country, live up to what Grandpa did in the first war and Dad in the second. Well, here I am anonymous, alright, with guys nobody really cares about. They come from

What is the crime? And what is the punishment? The answer seems to vary from place to place, and from time to time. What's legal today is suddenly illegal tomorrow 'cause some society says it's so; and what's illegal yesterday all of a sudden gets legal today because everybody's doing it and you can't throw everybody in jail. Well I'm not saying this is right or wrong. It's just the way things are... But I spent the last three and a half years of my life in your prison and

"Treason doth never prosper," wrote an English poet, "What's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason." The American public have yet to see the Zapruder film. Why? The American public have yet to see the real X-rays and photographs of the autopsy. Why? There are hundreds of documents that could help prove this conspiracy.

The Warren Commission thought they had an open-and-shut case. Three bullets, one assassin. But two unpredictable things happened that day that made it virtually impossible. One, the eight-millimeter home movie taken by Abraham Zapruder while standing by the grassy knoll. Two, the third wounded man, James Tague, who was knicked by a fragment, standing near the triple underpass. The time frame, five point six seconds, determined by the Zapruder film, left no possibility of a fourth shot. So the shot or fragment that left a superficial wound on Tague's cheek had to come from the three shots fired from

You don't have a choice anymore. You've become a significant threat to the national security structure. They would have killed you already but you got a lot of light on you. Instead they're trying to destroy your credibility. They already have in many circles in this town. Be honest, your only chance is to come up with a

Well, I appreciate the opportunity you're giving me, Mr. Cromwell, as the single, largest shareholder in Teldar Paper, to speak. (Laughter) Well, ladies and gentlemen we're not here to indulge in fantasy but in political and economic reality....."

A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought

The trouble is, Mr. Thatcher, you don't realize you're talking to two people. As Charles Foster Kane, who owns eighty-two thousand, three hundred and sixty-four shares of Public Transit, preferred - you see, I do have a general idea of my holdings - I sympathize with you. Charles Foster Kane is a scoundrel, his paper should be run out of town; a committee should be formed to boycott him. You may, if you can form such a committee, put me down for a contribution of one thousand

Well, actually, there was a rather interesting coincidence on that, Doctor. One night, several years ago, I was walking early in the evening dow down on Fairfax Street between 18th and 19th. I had just put Ed Hickey into a taxi--Ed had been mixing his rye with his gin, and...I just felt that he needed conveying. Well, anyway,

A lot of people think is just a job that you go to. Take a lunch hour...job's over. Something like that. But it's a 24-hour deal. No two ways about it. And what most people don't see...is just how hard it is to do the right thing. People think if I make a judgment call that that's a judgment call on them but that's not what I do. And that's not what should be done. I have to take everything and play it as it lays. Sometimes people need a

Edward George Ruddy died today! Edward George Ruddy was the Chairman of the Board of the Union Broadcasting Systems, and he died at 11:00 o'clock this morning of a heart condition, and woe is us! We're in a lot of trouble! So, a rich little man with white hair died. What has that got to do with the

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's no one anywhere that seems to know what to do with us. Now into it. We know the air is unfit to breathe, our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TVs

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations; there are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There is no third world. There is no west. There is only one

I grew up slowly beside the tides and marshes of a Carolina sea island. We lived in a small white house, won by my great-great grandfather, Winston Shadrach Wingo, in a horseshoe game. There are families who live out their entire lives without a single thing of interest happening to them. I've always envied those families. The child

We spent our last hours together at the Rainbow Room, dancing a slow dance, just like in my dream. I held her in my arms, as I told her that it was her doing that I could go back. Six weeks before I was ready to leave my wife, my kids. I wanted out of everything, but she

I'm.. I'm very proud, I''m very grateful to have won for the school. But I... I feel a bit of a fraud. You see I wrote about growing up as how I imagined it must be for most of you but... there was another article which was to have been included in the school magazine. It was censored because it was about a young guy who just happened to be gay. (pause and breath) I... I wrote that article. I wish you could have read it so you could

"Forget about it" is like if you agree with someone, you know, like "Raquel Welsh is one great piece of ass forget about it." But then, if you disagree, like "A Lincoln is better than a Cadillac? Forget about it!" you know? But then, it's also like if something's the greatest thing in the world, like Mingrio's Peppers,

I would give almost anything I have to reverse the course of my life in the last year. The past doesn't change for anyone, but at least I can learn from the past. I've learned a lot about life. I've learned a lot about myself. And about the responsibilities any man has towards his fellow men. I've learned

Remember how you once asked me how I started taking pictures? Well, this is the story of how I got my first camera. As a matter of fact, it's the only camera I have ever had. Are you following me so far? [Paul]

What do you know about it? Who are you anyway? Who are you? Criminals? Are you proud of yourselves? Proud of breaking safes or cheating at cards? Things you could just as well keep your fingers off. You wouldn't need to do all that if you'd learn a proper trade or if you'd work. If you weren't a

It's not just a rock. It's forty-two pounds of polished granite, with a beveled underbelly and a handle a human being can hold. Okay, so in and of itself it looks like it has no practical purpose. But it's a... a repository. Of possibility. And when it's handled just right, it exacts a kind of poetry. As close to poetry as I ever want to get. The way it moves. The way it can be moved, for ten years I've -- well, I've been around. I've drilled for oil on

To make a fighter you gotta strip them down to bare wood: you can't just tell 'em to forget everything you know if you gotta make 'em forget even their bones... make 'em so tired they only listen to you, only hear your voice, only do what you say and nothing else... show 'em how to keep their balance and take it away from the other guy... how to generate momentum off their right toe and how to flex your knees when you fire a jab... how to fly back

You don't have to like me...that's fine. I'm a prick. But my father doesn't deserve to suffer like this. He was a janitor, struggled his whole life...saved up enough to start his own company...23 employees, all of them black...paid 'em equal wages when no one else was doing that. For thirty years he worked side by side with

Hello Betsy. Hi, it's Travis. How ya doin'? Listen, uh, I'm, I'm sorry about the, the other night. I didn't know that was the way you felt about it. Well, I-I didn't know that was the way you felt. I-I-I would have taken ya somewhere else. Uh, are you feeling better or oh you maybe had a virus or somethin', a 24-hour virus you know. It happens. Yeah, umm, you uh, you're workin' hard. Yeah. Uh, would you like to have, uh, some dinner, uh with me in the next,

May 10th. Thank God for the rain which has helped wash away the garbage and the trash off the sidewalks. I'm working long hours now. Six in the afternoon to six in the morning, sometimes even eight in the morning. Six days a week, sometimes seven days a week. It's a long hustle but it keeps me real

You see the woman in the window? Do you see the woman in the window?...I want you to see that woman, because that's my wife. That's not my apartment. That's not my apartment. You know who lives there? Huh? I mean, you wouldn't know who lives there - I'm just saying, but you know who lives there? Huh? A nigger lives there. How do ya like that? And I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill him...What do you think of that? Hmm? I said 'What do you think of that?' Don't

Saving someone's life is like falling in love. The best drug in the world. For days, sometimes weeks afterwards, you walk the streets, making infinite whatever you see. Once, for a few weeks, I couldn't feel the earth - everything I touched became lighter. Horns played in my shoes. Flowers fell from my pockets. You wonder if you've become immortal, as if you've saved your own life as well. God has passed through you. Why deny it, that for a moment there - why deny that for a moment there,

This Janiro's an up-and-coming fighter, this kid you gotta knock out. Knock out this f#@kin' kid! I'm telling you, this is your step towards gettin' a shot at the title. Listen to me: I'm telling you. You've been killin' yourself for three years. There's nobody left -- they're afraid to fight you. This Janiro's up-and-coming. He don't know. F#@kin' tear him apart, wipe him out! What are you worried about? Your weight? Look, even if you lose they're gonna think you're weak; they're gonna match you with guys they were

Hi, Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone sex line. I called a phone sex line before I met you. And four blonde brothers came after me, and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. And then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never

I know this sounds silly, and I know that I might sound ridiculous...like this is the scene of the movie...where the guy is trying to get a hold of the long-lost son, y'know, but this is that scene. This is that scene. And I think they have those scenes in movies because they're true. Y'know, because they really

I've been around this block twice looking for something . . . a clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here . . . yeah . . . so here I am. Coulda been me who was at Ringo's place when the sh!t went down......Hey...I know how it is...'cause I been there...... we've all

Ladies and gentlemen... I've traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen... if I say I'm an oil man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear

Let me tell you something. This is not an easy job. I get a call on the radio from dispatch. It's bad news...and it stinks. But this is my job, and I love it. Because I want to do well. In this life and in this world, I want to do well...and I want to help people. And I might get 20 bad calls a day...but one time I can help someone...I make a save, I correct a wrong or right a situation, then I'm a happy cop. And we move

"You are a stupid man, Abel. You have let someone come in here and walk all over us. You let him in and do his work here, and you are a stupid man for what we could have had.....You didn't do anything but sit down. You're lazy and you're stupid. Do you think God is going to save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, Abel. (He flips out, jumps on the table and assaults his father). I will tear you apart for what you've done, you stupid

And I had a vision. Yes, last night, I had a vision and I felt God's breath more through me. (Looks up to the sky) And it rolled down into my stomach. (Puts his hand on his stomach). It sloshed around. And my stomach spoke in a whisper, not a shout, "Touch this woman with your hands and caress her." (He gets on one knee and grabs an old lady's hands) My dear Mrs. Hunter, you have arthritis, don't you? Yes. The devil is in your hands, and I will

I should have told her everything. Mama loved stories like that. It's not so bad if you think about it. It could have been worse. Just think how that poor guy in Boston ended up...who got a new kidney. He got his name in the papers. He died just the same. And what about Laika, the space dog? They put her in a Sputnik, and sent her into space. They attached wires to her heart and her brain to see how she felt. I dont think she felt so good. She spun around there for five

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, chief. It was comin' back, from the island of Tinian Delady, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know, you know that

I never liked to clean fish or eat em either. Spend half your time picking out bone. Yeah, just come out here to get a little scenery. Too pretty a day to spend in town. You wouldn't believe how this country's changed. First time I seen it, there wasn't a mesquite tree on it; or a prickly pear,

That was a UFO beaming back 'atcha. Me and Eric Kysman was down in Mexico two weeks ago. We saw forty of 'em flying in formation. Th-th-they have got bases all over the world now, you know, they've been coming here ever since 1946 when the scientists first started bouncing radar beams off the moon. And they have

Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream!...You know when fluoridation began?...1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical

Hello? ... Ah ... I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? ... Oh-ho, that's much better. ... yeah ... huh ... yes ... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. ... Clear and plain and coming through fine....I'm coming through

The duty officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact the he had issued the go code and he said, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them, otherwise

I don't understand you! You're all up on perches but it doesn't hide your arseholes! You don't give a crap about gods and heroes! If you're honest - each one of you - which of you isn't more at home with his hairdresser than Hercules? Bores, bores, bores! All serious operas written this century are boring! (laughs vigorously) Look at us! Four gaping mouths. What a perfect quartet! I'd love

My plan was so simple that it terrified me. First I must get the death mass and then I, I must achieve his death. His funeral! Imagine it, all of Vienna there, Mozart's coffin, Mozart's little coffin in the middle, and then suddenly, in that silence, music! A divine music bursts out over them all. A great mass of death! Requiem mass for Wolfgang Mozart, composed by his dear friend, Antonio Salieri! Oh what sublimity, what depth, what passion in the music! Salieri has been touched by God at last.

Have you lost your mind? I mean, how is it that you can disrespect a man's ethnicity when you know we've influenced nearly every facet of white America. From our music to our style of dress, not to mention your basic imitation of our sense of cool; walk, talk, dress, mannerisms. We enrich your very existence, all the

Who is this guy and what the f#@k is he doing here? Ben: Who I am, WHO I AM, who am I, who am I is a question for the ages. That's one we are all searching for, to find out who I am, who's in there, who wants to come out and say, hey, I'm hungry. Who I am is too deep and prof-,

Well, you know I never got to bat in the major leagues. I'd like to have my chance just once, to stare down a big league pitcher, to stare him down and just as he goes into his wind-up, wink, make him think you know something he doesn't. That's what I wish. A chance to squint at the sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingle in your arms as you connect with the ball, to run the bases, stretch a double into a triple, and flop

I came here to die with you. Or live with you. Dying ain't so hard for men like you and me, it's living that's hard; when all you ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments don't live together, people live together. With governments you don't always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well I've

She was lying on the divan, a large tray of cigarette stubs beside her. She looked ill, queer. Suddenly she got up, started to walk toward me. 'When I have a child,' she said, 'neither you nor anyone else could ever prove it wasn't yours. You'd like to have an heir, wouldn't you, Max, for your precious Manderley?' Then she started to laugh. 'How funny! How supremely, wonderfully funny! I've been a perfect mother just as I've been the perfect wife! No one will ever know. Now, it ought to

I doubt that they would appreciate it, sir. They rather resent the invasion of their privacy. I believe quite properly, sir. You see, sir, rich people and theorists, who are usually rich people, think of poverty in the negative ... as the lack of riches ... as disease might be called the lack of health -- but it

...this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, 'cause people couldn't get weed anyf#@kinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they'd give me a call and say, "Hey, Freddy- "Hey, DUDE, you gettin'

An employee I had to let go. Louis: What did he do? Ordell: He put himself in a situation where he was gonna have to do ten years in the penitentiary, that's what he did. And if you know Beaumont, you know there ain't no way in hell he can do no ten years. And if you know

As you know, l'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book, not particularly well-drawn, but the mythology. The mythology is not only great, it's unique...Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to

I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's f#@ked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government f#@ks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullsh!t I got two words for that: learn to f#@kin' type, 'cause

It's a fact. Sicilians have nigger blood pumpin' through their hearts. If you don't believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are niggers. Way back then, Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But, once the Moors moved in there, they

My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine and I am putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish American soldiers. Now, you all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're going to be dropped into France dressed as civilians. Once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhacking guerrilla army, we're going to be doing one thing and one thing only. Killing Nazis...."

Once upon a time in China, some believe, around the year one double-ought three. Head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows" - when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in

Good... I need you two fellas is to do...is to take those cleaning products and clean the inside of the car. I'm talking fast, fast, fast. You need to go in the back seat, scoop up all those little pieces of brain and skull--get it out of there...wipe down the upholstery. Now, when it comes to the upholstery...it

Hello, little man. Boy, I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your dad's. We were in that Hanoi pit of hell together over five years. Hopefully...you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your Dad were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Coolidge would be talkin' right now to my son Jim. But the

I think you're gonna find, when all this sh!t is over, I think you're gonna find yourself one smiling motherf#@ker. The thing is, Butch, right now you got ability. But painful as it may be, ability don't last. And your days are just about over. Now that's a hard motherf#@kin' fact of life, but that's a fact of

Let me tell you what "Like a Virgin" is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song....it's a metaphor for big dicks..."Like a Virgin" is not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what "True Blue" is about. Now, granted, no argument about that...Let me tell you what "Like a Virgin" is about...."

Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his

Hell, you all know I'm Waylon and I'm an addict. And the fact is that I want to be clean today more than I want to be high. It's good to be here. Hell, it's good to be anywhere clean. It's good to be here. Even Baltimore. I've bee clean a few 24 hours now, and I'm still dead certain that my disease wants me dead. Yeah, I'm in here with you all, talking shit about how strong I am, how strong I feel but my disease is out there

We can't strike. Why not? Because it's against the law to strike! The king has declared that everything is a crime. Writing is a crime. Two weeks ago, the police destroyed the Galaty, the worker's newspaper. They smashed the press. They burned over two thousand newspapers but that didn't satisfy the king. Three days ago at a student meeting, a peaceful meeting, soldiers broke it up and arrested two of my friends. Writing, talking, going to class, speaking out is a crime. Being poor is a crime. Being poor is

Huh, I had a great thing goin' there 'till the freakin' fuzz showed up. I wish that skinny broad hadn't turned on the shower too, I think I'm getting' a cold. Oh well, man. Everyone all studyin' for the goddam exams and all? Hey Fuzz, how'd it go with that Dee Dee chick, huh. She got some bod, huh? You have to admit. Oh, Charlene isn't bad either though, right? Like, wow. Heinz, you swine old buddy pig, you grew behind Alvina? Get some kicks tonight, huh? Huh, bastards,

And God prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. Shipmates, the sin of Jonah was in his disobedience of the command of God. He found it a hard command. And it was hard, shipmates, for all the things God would have us do are hard. We would obey God we must disobey ourselves. But Jonah still further flouts at God by seeking to flee from him, Jonah thinks that a ship, made by men will carry him into country where God does not reign. He prowls along the shipping like a vile burglar hastening to cross the

I've seen a good many changes at Brookfield. I remember so much. I sometimes think I ought to write a book. What should I call it? Memories of Rod and Lines? I may write it one day. I may forget some things but I never forget your faces. If you come and see me in the years to

I don't understand you people. I mean all these little picky points you bring up don't mean nothing. They don't mean nothing. How can you believe his story? You're an intelligent man and you're not gonna tell me you're not. You know the facts of life. Just look at what we're dealing with. Just look at what we're

Send him my treasure maps. Maybe now he'll get lucky. The lone wolf. Y'know there was a time once when he almost had it made. Just the two of us. He was in a fever about some new project up in Alaska! A hunting lodge for tourists. It was going to make us a fortune, better than a gold mine. But most of all, it as going to be something we never had before: a real home. We got it built too. Just him and me; side by side. The day the roof was

Mac, wait a minute. Uhmmm-mmm. Excuse me sister, excuse me. Now don't tell me we're going to let these two little angels of mercy go away from here empty handed on Christmas Eve? This joint is the home of fine bourbon and fast women...and we need plenty of religion to keep 'em both in line. So come on, folks, how about it? Get it up now, come on. Ah, come on, a little action here. A little -- What's the matter? Ohhh! Hey! Hey Lord! Can you hear me up

You hick! I'll be back pulling strings to get guys elected mayor and governor before you ever get a 10-buck raise. Yeah, how many of those guys in office owe everything to me. I made them. Yeah, I made 'em, just like a -- like a tailor makes a suit of clothes. I take a nobody, see? Teach him what to say. Get his name in the papers and pay for his campaign expenses. Dish out a lotta groceries and coal. Get my boys to bring the voters out. And

Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and..., particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I'm just some git who's only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered...ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to

Garreth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Garreth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint.

Like many fly fisherman in western Montana where the summer days are almost Arctic in length, I often do not start fishing until the cool of the evening. Then in the Arctic half-light of the canyon, all existence fades to a being with my soul and memories and the sounds of the Big Blackfoot River and a four-count rhythm and the hope that a fish will rise. Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs

Are you telling us this stuff so we can buy your book? Because I gotta tell you, if you are, that was some of the worst advice I've ever heard. Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating Twinkies, and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. It takes a little while to find that out. Right, Jim? And you... yeah, you. Sick of some jerk

First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs

It begins with the King as a boy--having to spend a night alone in the forest to prove his courage so that he could become king. While he was standing there alone, he's visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail, the symbol of God's divine grace. And a voice said to the

Well, he's paying so he don't hafta look. Guy goes to work eight hours a day, seven days a week. Gets his nuts so tight in a vice that he starts to question even the very fabric of his existence. Then one day about quitting time, boss calls him in the office and says: "Hey, Bob, why don't

You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn't, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I'd love to run around and take

Alright, I have an admittedly insane idea, but if I don't ask you this, it's just, uh, you know, its going to haunt me the rest of my life. I want to keep talking to you, y'know. I have no idea what your situation is, but, uh, but I feel like we have some kind of, uh, connection. Right? Yeah, right, well, great. So listen, so here's the deal. This is what we should do. You should get off the train with me here in Vienna, and come check out

I know what you mean about wishing somebody else wasn't there. It's just, usually, it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never gone to the movies when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling if I wasn't there making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously. It's just they are

I congratulate you, little boy. Well done. You found the fifth Golden Ticket. May I introduce myself. Arthur Slugworth, President of Slugworth Chocolates, Incorporated. Now listen carefully because I'm going to make you very rich indeed. Mr. Wonka is at this moment working on a fantastic invention: the Everlasting Gobstopper. If he succeeds, he'll ruin me. So all I want you to do is to get hold of just one Everlasting Gobstopper and bring it to me so that I can find the secret formula. Your reward will be ten thousand of these. Think it over,

Now Ms. Parker, don't you believe what you read in all them newspapers. That's the law talkin' there. They want us to look big so they gonna look big when they catch us. And they ain't gonna catch us. Cause I'm even better at runnin' than I am at robbin' banks. Shoot, if we'd done half that stuff

When Joanna -- my ex-wife -- when she was talking before about how unhappy she was during our marriage...Well, I guess most of what she said was probably true. There were a lot of things I didn't understand -- a lot of things I would do different if I could. Just like I guess there are a lot

Thank you, Bronco. In the world of... ... in the world of matrimonial law, there are ... ... in the world of matrimonial law, there are multiple tactics ......... Friends, this morning I stand before you a very different Miles Massey than the one that addressed you last year on the disposition of marital assets following murder-slash-suicide.

A moocher? Sure, everybody's a moocher to you. A mongrel dog eating out of a garbage pail is a moocher to you. (Takes out a gun from his pocket). Stay where you are young fellow! Get over there! You're about to get some more publicity, Mr. Deeds. You're about to get on the front page again. See how you're going to like it this time. See what good your money's gonna do when you're six feet under? You never thought of that. Did you? No....all you ever thought of was

Say, fella, you neglected me and I feel very put out. Look, sock it right there, will ya? Sock it hard. Oh, listed, the difference between them and me is, I know when I've been a skunk. You take me to the nearest newsstand and I'll eat a pack of your postcards raw. Raw! Oh, what a magnificent deflation of smugness! Pal, you've added ten years to my life. A poet with a straight left and a right hook? Delicious. Delicious. You're my guest from now on, forever and a

Suppose you were living in a small town and getting along fine....and suddenly somebody dropped 20 million dollars in your lap. Supposing you discover all that money was messing up your life...was bringing vultures around your neck and making you lose faith in everybody. You'd be a little worried, wouldn't you? You'd feel that you had a hot potato in your hand, and you'd want to drop it... Personally, I don't know what Mr. Cedar is raving about. From what I can see, no matter what system of government we

Well, I don't know where to begin. There have been so many things said abour me that I....About my playing the tuba. Seems like a lot of fuss has been made about that. If, if a man's crazy just because he plays the tuba, then somebody'd better look into it, because there are a lot of tuba players running around loose. Of course, I don't see any harm in it. I play mine whenever I want to concentrate. That may sound funny to some people, but everybody does something silly

I don't know. Part of me thinks the kid's right. He asks what he's done to deserve this. He wants to stay here, fine. Let's leave him and go home. But then another part of me thinks, what if by some miracle we stay, then actually make it out of here. Someday we might look back on this

I've got a letter here, written a long time ago to a Mrs. Bixby in Boston, so bear with me "Dear Madam: I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant-General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so

Mike, what's the pool on me up to right now? What's it up to? What is it, 300 dollars? Is that it? 300? I'm a schoolteacher. I teach English composition...in this little town called Addley, Pennsylvania. The last eleven years I've been at Thomas Alva Edison High School. I was a coach of the baseball team in the springtime. Back home, I tell people what I do for a living and they think, well, ah now that figures...but over here, it's, uh, a big, a big mystery. So

This, this one night, two of my brothers came and woke me up in the middle of the night, and they said they had a surprise for me. So they took me to the barn up in the loft and there was my oldest brother, Dan, with Alice, Alice Jardine. I mean, picture a girl who just took a nosedive from the ugly tree and hit every branch coming down. And...and Dan's got her shirt off and he's working on her bra and he's tryin to get it off

Well actually the the trick to falling asleep is to trying to stay awake. See when my mother was an intern she use to work late through the night, sleep through the day. So the only time we ever got to talk about anything was when she'd get home. So what'd I'd, I used to do, I used

That's my brand. Mmmmm...this is damn good. In fact, I'd say this is the best beer I ever had. Actually, I'm glad to be alive right now. I was up a few towns away, you know, Saragosa? I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve beer, not quite as good as this, but close.

So there's this guy Walsh, do you understand? He's tired of screwin' his wife... So his friend says to him, "Hey, why don't you do it like the Chinese do?" So he says, "How do the Chinese do it?" And the guy says, "Well, the Chinese, first they screw a little bit, then they stop, then they go and read a little Confucius, come back, screw a little bit more, then they stop again, go and they screw a little bit...then they go back and they screw a little bit

Dear Marty, If my calculations are correct, you will receive this letter immediately after you saw the DeLorean struck by lightning. First, let me assure you that I'm alive and well. I've been living happily these past 8 months in the year 1885. The Lightning bolt that hit the DeLorean cause a gigowat overload which scrambled the time circuits, activated the flux capacitor and, and sent me back to 1885. The overload shorted out the time circuits and destroyed the flying circuits. Unfortunately the car will never fly again. I set myself up as a blacksmith, as a

Category: Male Monologues