Male Monologues - Monologues

If it hadn't been for you, I should have shot myself long ago. What's the family creed? "I believe in Gerald. I believe in Gerald the Brother. I believe in Gerald the Son. I believe in Gerald the Nephew. I believe in Gerald the Friend, the Lover, Gerald the Holy Marvel."

Clansmen of Cadmus, at the signal given By time and season must the ruler speak Who sets the course and steers the ship of State With hand upon the tiller, and with eye Watchful against the treachery of sleep. For if all go aright, thank Heaven, men say, But if adversely-which may God forefend!- One name on many lips, from street to street, Would bear the bruit and rumour of the time, Down witk Eteocles!-a clamorous curse, A dirge of ruin. May averting Zeus Make good his title here, in

Hermes, messenger to the dead, guardian of your father's powers, help rescue meâ€” work with me, I beg you, now I've come back, returned to this land from exile. On this grave, on this heaped-up earth, I call my father, imploring him to listen, to hear me . . . Here's a lock of hair, offering to Inachus, the stream where I was raised. Here's another, a token of my grief. I was not there, my father, to mourn your death. I couldn't stretch my hand out to you, when they carried off your corpse for burial. What's this I see? What's this crowd of women coming

High thanks, my children, unto Argos con, And to this folk, as to Olympian gods, Give offerings meet of sacrifice and wine; For saviours are they in good sooth to you. From me they heard, and bitter was their wrath, How those your kinsmen strove to work you wrong, And how of us were thwarted: then to me This company of spearmen did they grant, That honoured I might walk, nor unaware Die by some secret thrust and on this land Bring down the curse of death, that dieth not.

I pray the gods to quit me of my toils, To close the watch I keep, this livelong year; For as a watch-dog lying, not at rest, Propped on one arm, upon the palace-roof Of Atreus' race, too long, too well I know The starry conclave of the midnight sky, Too well, the splendours of the firmament, The lords of light, whose kingly aspect shows- What time they set or climb the sky in turn- The year's divisions, bringing frost or fire. And now, as ever, am I set to

O divine air Breezes on swift bird-wings, Ye river fountains, and of ocean-waves The multitudinous laughter Mother Earth! And thou all-seeing circle of the sun, Behold what I, a God, from Gods endure! Look down upon my shame, The cruel wrong that racks my frame, The grinding anguish that shall waste my strength, Till time's ten thousand years have measured out their length! He hath devised these chains, The new throned potentate who reigns, Chief of the chieftains of the Blest. Ah me! The woe which is and that which

Think not that I for pride and stubbornness Am silent: rather is my heart the prey Of gnawing thoughts, both for the past, and now Seeing myself by vengeance buffeted. For to these younger Gods their precedence Who severally determined if not I? No more of that: I should but weary you With things ye know; but listen to the tale Of human sufferings, and how at first Senseless as beasts I gave men sense, possessed them Of mind. I speak not in contempt of man; I do but tell

Oh, well. It's a bit quiter without those two. Hear yourself speak. Too damned noisy before. All that crunching of toast. Like a brigade of Guards marching on gravel. Well now, Reg....."

Oh. Do you know something, Evelyn. Now I'm talking off the top of my head now because I've only just met you, I don't really know you...

You decided to be logical, didn't you, poor simpleton? Logic forever! The question now is: where will that take you?...

What are you crying about, young lady? For shame, for shame! He, he, he! There! I'm older than you, and I don't cry. [Looks at her searchingly.] Oh, well, I know what it's about! I suppose you want to marry a young fellow? Now, this, my pretty one, is just girlish

Tsar Ivan was like a great volcano, and from the bowels of this volcano came an earthquake which shook all the world, and there would shoot up tongues of flame that carried death and destruction through all the land. Tsar Fyodor is quite different. I would rather compare him to a cleft in a green meadow. Its ruts and hillocks are overgrown with green, silken grass. But if you wander about carelessly, both the shepherd and his flock will fall through the cleft -- into a precipice. We have a

My wife is dumb. Quite dumb. I admit, I noticed it before we were married. I couldn't help noticing it, of course, but it didn't seem to make so much difference to me then as it does now. I considered her beauty, and her property, and thought of nothing but the advantages of the match and the happiness I should have with her. But now these matters seem less important, and I do wish she could talk; that would be a real intellectual pleasure for me, and, what's more, a practical advantage for the household. What does a

It's an absolute lie, the whole story. We have not abandoned her. As a child she was left without father or mother when she was seven years old. Her mother, a good woman, was unfortunate in love, and set her heart on a worthless fellow, one of those glib, smooth-tongued wretches, half French, half Spanish, who hail from nobody knows where. Well, one day they were married. Years later, she died from a blow that he gave her, and the man, for he was a smuggler, was found dead one morning in a gully on the French

To wed, or not to wed;--that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in a man to suffer The slings and sorrows of that blind young archer; Or fly to arms against a host

[Morosely] Devil take them all . . . take them all . . . They think I'm a doctor and can cure everything, and I know absolutely nothing, I've forgotten all I ever knew, I remember nothing, absolutely nothing. Devil take it. Last Wednesday I attended a woman in Zosip -- and she died, and it's my fault she died. Yes . . . I used to know a certain amount twenty-five years go, but I don't remember anything now. Nothing. Perhaps I'm not really a man, and am only pretending that I have arms and legs

Barbara's afraid we shall go and fall in love with each other. Day after day she never leaves us alone. With her narrow mind she cannot understand that we are above love. To avoid everything petty, everything illusory, everything that prevents one from being free and happy, that is the whole meaning and purpose of our life. Forward! We march on irresistibly towards that bright star which burns far, far before us! Forward! Don't tarry, comrades! All Russia is our garden. The earth is great and beautiful; it is full of wonderful places. [A pause] Think, Anya, your

Hm! . . . You talk of fame and happiness, of some brilliant interesting life; but for me all these pretty words, if I may say so, are just like marmalade, which I never eat. You are very young and very kind, but I don't know what is so delightful about my life. You have heard of obsessions, when a man is haunted day and night, say, by the idea of the moon or something? Well, I've got my moon. Day and night I am obsessed by the same persistent thought; I must write, I must write,

I have my own desk there in Ivan's room. When I'm simply too worn out to go on with my work, I drop everything and rush over here to forget myself in this pastime for an hour or two. Ivan Petrovitch and Sonya Alexandrovna rattle away at their counting frames, I feel warm and peaceful, the cricket chirps, and I sit near them at my table and paint. But I don't indulge in this luxury very often, only about once a month. [Pointing to a picture] Look! This is a survey map of our country as it

She is vexed at the idea of Nina ZarTtchnaya and not herself having a success even in this poor little theatre. She is a psychological curiosity, my mother. A clever and gifted woman, who can cry over a novel, will reel you off all Nekrßsof's poems by heart, and is the perfection of a sick nurse; but venture to praise Eleonora Duse before her! Oho! ho! You must praise nobody but her, write about her, shout about her, and go into ecstasies over her wonderful performance in La Dame aux CamTlias, or The Fumes of Life; but

The Professor as usual sits in his library from morning till night--

Yes, ten years have made another man of me. And why? Because I am overworked. Nurse, I am on my feet from morning until evening. I know no rest at all: at night I shake under my bedclothes for fear I'll be dragged out to visit some sick people. Ever since I've known you, I haven't had a single carefree day. How could I help growing old? Life is tedious, anyhow; it is a senseless, dirty business, and drags heavily. Every one in this neighborhood is silly, and after you live with them for two or three

I bought it. Wait a bit; don't hurry me; my head's in a whirl; I can't speak. . . . [Laughing] When we got to the sale, Derigßnof was there already. Leonfd AndrTyitch had only fifteen hundred pounds, and Derigßnof bid three thousand more than the mortgage right away. When I saw how things stood, I went for him and bid four thousand. He said four thousand five hundred. I said five thousand five hundred. He went up by five hundreds, you see, and I went up by thousands. . . . Well, it was soon over. I

I don't understand how to behave in the company of ladies. Madam, in the course of my life I have seen more women than you have sparrows. Three times have I fought duels for women, twelve I jilted and nine jilted me. There was a time when I played the fool, used honeyed language, bowed and scraped. I loved, suffered, sighed to the moon, melted in love's torments. I loved passionately, I loved to madness, loved in every key, chattered like a magpie on emancipation, sacrificed half my fortune in the tender passion, until now the devil knows

I suppose I am dreadfully guilty, but my thoughts are muddled, my soul is in the grip of a kind of apathy, and I am no longer able to understand myself. I don't understand myself or other people... I should like to tell you everything from the beginning, but it's a long story, and such a complicated one that if I talked till morning I couldn't finish it... Anna is a remarkable, an extraordinary woman... She changed her religion for my sake, left her father and mother, gave up wealth, and if

Oh, what has become of my past and where is it? I used to be young, happy, clever, I used to be able to think and frame clever ideas, the present and the future seemed to me full of hope. Why do we almost before we have begun to live, become dull, gray, uninteresting, lazy, apathetic, useless, unhappy? . . . This town has already been in existence for two hundred years and it has a hundred thousand inhabitants, not one of whom is in any way different from the others. There has never been, now or at

She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not. You see? My mother doesn't love me. Of course not! She wants to live, to love, to wear bright dresses, and here I am, twenty-five years old, a constant reminder that she is no longer young. When I'm not there, she's only thirty-two, but when I am, she's forty-three - and for that, she hates me. Besides, she knows I don't accept the theatre. She loves the theatre, she

Yes. [Laughs] How strange everything really is! [Pause] When the fire broke out, I hurried off home; when I get there I see the house is whole, uninjured, and in no danger, but my two girls are standing by the door in just their underclothes, their mother isn't there, the crowd is excited, horses and dogs are running about, and the girl's faces are so agitated, terrified, beseeching, and I don't know what else. My heart hurt me, when I saw those faces. My God, I thought, what these girls will have to put up with if they live

You can burn peat in your stoves and build your barns of stone. Oh, I don't object, of course, to cutting wood when you have to, but why destroy the forests? The woods of Russia are trembling under the blows of the ax. Millions of trees have perished. The homes of the wild animals and the birds have been laid desolate; the rivers are shrinking, and many beautiful landscapes are gone forever. And why? Because men are too lazy and short-sighted to stoop and pick their fuel from the ground. Am I not right? Who but a senseless

Sir, you are of so strange a jealous Humour, And I so strangely jealous of your Honour, That 'twixt us both we may make work enough; But on my Soul I know no wrong you have. Sir, I'm in earnest, you have gain'd that Heart, For which I have receiv'd so many wounds; Venturing for Trophies where none durst appear, To gain at my Return one single smile, Or that she would submit to hear my story: And when sh' has said, 'twas bravely done, Pisaro, I thought the Glory recompens'd the Toil; And sacrific'd my Laurels at her feet, Like

I vow to Fortune, Ned, thou must come to London, and be a little manag'd: 'slife, Man, shouldst thou talk so aloud in good Company, thou wouldst be counted a strange Fellow. Pretty--and drest with Love--a find Figure, by Fortune: No, Ned, the painted Chariot gives a Lustre to every ordinary Face, and makes a Woman look like Quality; Ay, so like, by Fortune, that you shall not know one from t'other, till some scandalous, out-of-favour'd laid-aside Fellow of the Town, cry--Damn her for a Bitch--how scornfully the Whore regards me--She has forgot since Jack--such a one, and I,

You are my Lady, and the best of Mistresses--Therefore I would not grieve you, for I know you love this best--but most unhappy Man. [Pause.] My Master sent me yesterday to Mr. Crap, his Scrivener, to send to one Mr. Wasteall, to tell him his first Mortgage was out, which is two hundred pounds a Year--and who has since engaged five or six hundred more to my Master; but if this first be not redeem'd, he'll take the Forfeit on't, as he says a wise Man ought. Mr. Crap, being busy with a borrowing Lord, sent me to

Great gods! will these nights never end? will daylight never come? I heard the cock crow long ago and my slaves are snoring still! Ah! 'twas not so formerly. Curses on the War! has it not done me ills enough? Now I may not even chastise my own slaves--they never wake the whole long night, but, wrapped in five coverlets, fart away to their hearts content. Come! let me nestle in well and snore too, if it be possible . . . oh! misery, 'tis vain to think of sleep with all these expenses, this stable, these

At the outset I will prove to you that there exists no king whose might is greater than ours. Is there a pleasure, a blessing comparable with that of a juryman? Is there a being who lives more in the midst of delights, who is more feared, aged though he be? From the moment I leave my bed, men of power, the most illustrious in the city, await me at the bar of the tribunal; the moment I am seen from the greatest distance, they come forward to offer me a gentle hand--that has pilfered the public funds;

The story is worth hearing. Listen! From here I rushed straight to the Senate, right in the track of this man; he was already letting loose the storm, unchaining the lightning, crushing the Knights beneath huge mountains of calumnies heaped together and having all the air of truth; he called you conspirators and his lies caught root like weeds in every mind; dark were the looks on every side and brows were knitted. When I saw that the Senate listened to him favourably and was being tricked by his imposture

Business is definitely business, but just listen for a minute You don't understand this. When I was a boy-eighteen, nineteen---I was already on the road. And there was a question in my mind as to whether selling had a future for me. Because in those days I had a yearning to go to Alaska. See, there were three gold strikes in one month in Alaska, and I felt like going out. Just for the ride, you might say. Oh, yeah, my father lived many years in Alaska. He was an

My life turned upside down since then. I couldn't go back to work when you left. I wanted to go to dad and tell him you were going to be married..

Mr. Herbot, I don't feel disposed to doubt your mood and, I take it, there is no question about mine. Don't let's go through a scene of high-sounding words. Mr. Herbot, we want, if possible--and to me it is possible--to talk like two men--no, let alone every vanity and every question of honor in the accepted sense, like two human beings. I ask you for the last time, Mr. Herbot, please to abandon the manner you have assumed thus far. I don't for a moment question the correctness of it. But please understand that a human being

Why did I choose this house? Well, for the same reasons that you did, I guess. Uh, its'...all alone. It's unto itself. Of course, you thought that...that would be different, that you would have neighbours but you don't, not yet....the person in the film, the person that was supposed to live here is going through a very strange time in their lives. They have everything they want or they have the means to get everything they want but they don't know what they need....so they... try different things and this

You know every time I go on one of these flights to rescue Zoe, I remember the summer we almost lost her. She was 3 years old. It happened one morning at this cottage we used to rent. We were all together sleeping in bed. It was a wonderful time in out lives. We still felt we had a future together, the three of us. I remember I was....awakened by Zoe's breathing. It was labored. I looked across and I noticed that...she was sweating...and all swollen, and I...I grabbed her

You're angry, aren't you, Mrs. Otto? That's why I'm here. To give your anger a voice. To be your weapon against whoever caused that bus to go off the road. Dolores was doing exactly what she's done for years. Besides, the school board's insurance was minimal, a few million at most. The really deep pockets are in the town...or the company that made the bus. Mrs. Otto, there is no such thing as an accident. The word doesn't mean anything to me. As far as I'm concerned, somebody somewhere made

Come in, and we'll talk. I heard you out there listening. It is late, but we must come to some decision. Sit down. [Pause] I have been at the post office tonight to get my letters. From these it appears that you have been keeping back my mail, both coming and going. The consequence of which is that the loss of time has as good as destroyed the result I expected from my work. In consequence of all this I have intercepted letters addressed to you. It appears from these letters that for some time past you

How silent everybody is! [Long silence] Here, for instance, in this respectable house, this attractive home, where beauty and erudition and wealth have joined hands. . . . [Long silence] All of us sitting here now--we know who we are, don't we? I don't need to tell. . . . And all of you know me, although you pretend ignorance. . . . In the next room is my daughter--mine, as you know perfectly well. She has lost the desire to live without knowing why. . . . The fact is that she has been pining away

My father died in a madhouse. . . . Like all of us, he was surrounded by a circle of acquaintances whom he called friends for the sake of convenience, and they were a lot of scoundrels, of course, as most people are. He had to have some society, however, as he couldn't sit all alone. As you know, no one tells people what he thinks of them under ordinary circumstances, and my father didn't do so either. He knew that they were false, and he knew the full extent of their perfidy, but, being a

Others have suffered to bring you happiness -- your mother; your father; your sweetheart; your sister -- sit down, and I'll tell you a story. -- It's very short. It happened about forty years ago. When a youth, I came to the Capitol -- alone, unknown and inexperienced -- to seek employment. I had only one riksdaler to my name. The night was dark, and as I knew of no cheap hotel, I questioned passers-by. None replied. When I was in the depths, a man stepped up to me and asked why I was weeping -- I

Well! It happened this way! I was a student at Lund and wanted a loan from the bank. I had no serious debts and my father had some money -- though not much. I had sent my note to the second man for his signature as my security, and, contrary to my expectations, it was returned with a refusal. -- I sat there for a moment, benumbed by the blow, for it was a disagreeable surprise, very disagreeable! -- The paper lay before me on the table and the letter lay near it. At first my eyes

You want to go to sleep, Jorghen, and I prefer to dream while still awake. To go to bed is to me like dying: to be swathed in linen sheets and stretched out in a long bed like a coffin. And then the corpse has the trouble of washing itself and reading its own burial service. I'm sure I'll cry like a child when my turn comes. If I only knew what death is! But how can we possibly know anything of that other life, when we know so little of this one? What is life

Do you know how people in high life look from the under world? No ... of course you don't. They look like hawks and eagles whose backs one seldom sees, for the soar up above. I lived in a hovel provided by the state, with seven brothers and sisters and a pig; out on a barren stretch where nothing grew, not even a tree, but from the window I could see the Count's park walls with apple trees rising above them. That was the garden of paradise; and there stood many angry angels with flaming swords protecting it;

I thought I heard the "little steps"--those little steps that came tripping down the corridor when she was looking for me. -- It was the child that was the best of all! To watch that fearless little creature, whom nothing could frighten, who never suspected that life might be deceptive, who had no secrets! I recall her first experience of the malice that is in human beings. She caught sight of a pretty child down in the park, and, though it was strange to her, she went up to it with open arms to kiss it--and the pretty

Look at these walls. Does it not look as if the wall-paper itself had been soiled by every conceivable sin? Look at these documents into which I write tales of wrong. Look at myself -- No smiling man ever comes here; nothing is to be seen here but angry glances, snarling lips,

To give a stronger testimony of love Than sickly promises (which commonly In princes find both birth and burial In one breath), we have drawn you, worthy sir, To make your fair endearments to our daughter,

If this be not revenge, when I have done And made it perfect, let Egyptian slaves, Parthians, and bare-foot Hebrews brand my face, And print my body full of injuries. Thou lost thyself, child Drusus, when thou thoughtst Thou couldst outskip my vengeance; or outstand The power I had to crush thee into air. Thy follies now shall taste what kind of man They have provoked, and this thy father's house Crack in the flame of my incensed rage, Whose fury shall admit no shame or mean.â€”â€” Adultery! it is the lightest ill I will commit A race of wicked acts Shall flow

We cannot but commend thy piety, Most loved Sejanus, in acknowledging Those bounties; which we, faintly, such rememberâ€”â€” But to thy suit. The rest of mortal men, In all their drifts and counsels, pursue profit; Princes alone are of a different sort, Directing their main actions still to fame: We therefore will take time to think and answer. For Livia she can best, herself, resolve If she will marry, after Drusus, or Continue in the family; besides, She hath a mother, and a grandam yet, Whose nearer counsels she may guide her by: But I will simply deal. That enmity Thou fear'st in Agrippina,

What excellent fools Religion makes of men! Believes Terentius, If these were dangers, as I shame to think them, The gods could change the certain course of fate! Or, if they could they would, now in a moment, For a beeve's fat, or less, be bribed to invert Those long decrees? Then think the gods, like flies, Are to be taken with the steam of flesh, Or blood, diffused about their altars: think Their power as cheap as I esteem it small.â€”â€” Of all the throng that fill th' Olympian hall, And, without pity, lade poor Atlas' back, I know not that

I'll tell you, sir, the monstrous hazards you shall run with a wife--for your friends are careful after your soul's health and would have you know the danger; but you may do your pleasure for all of them. If, after you are married, your wife do run away with a vaulter, or the Frenchman that walks upon ropes, or him that dances the jig, or a fencer for his skill at his weapon, why, it is not their fault; they have discharged their consciences, when you know what may happen. If she be fair, young, and vegetous,

When I was young, he lived not in the stews, Durst have conceived a scorn, and uttered it On a gray head; age was authority Against a buffoon; and a man had then A certain reverence paid unto his years, That had none due unto his life. So much The sanctity of some prevailed for others. But now, we all are fall'n: youth, from their fear; And age from that which bred it, good example. Nay, would ourselves were not the first, even parents, That did destroy the hopes in our own children; Or they not learned our vices in

Death of mine honour, with the city's fool! A juggling, tooth-drawing, prating mountebank! And at a public window! where, whilst he, With his strained action, and his dole of faces, To his drug-lecture draws your itching ears, A crew of old, unmarried, noted lechers Stood leering up like satyrs; and you smile Most graciously, and fan your favours forth, To give your hot spectators satisfaction! What, was your mountebank their call? their whistle? Or were y' enamoured on his copper rings? His saffron jewel with the toad-stone in't? Or his embroidered suit, with the cope-stitch, Made of a hearse-cloth? or his old tilt-feather? Or

Why droops my Celia? Thou hast, in place of a base husband, found A worthy lover; use thy fortune well, With secrecy and pleasure. See, behold

Peter, I know Dave's circumstances, and so I know why you're here. Dave is a star of such compelling stature that frankly it makes me personally angry he finds himself this abused. We pride ourselves here at CAA in developing a career plan for our clients that protects them as much as enriches them. David has set such an incredibly high professional standard and yet he is going disturbingly unrewarded. That just doesn't make sense....."

He's younger than you are", that's what she said. Anybody would think I was doddering about on bleeding crutches. Trouble is, I still keep thinking about her. I can't get her out of me mind. Who'd have thought a ruddy great lust-box like her would have found her way into anybody's feelings? She might have looked a hard case, but underneath she was quite mumsie, and she was in beautiful condition. Do you know, I'm beginning to think she was beautiful. After all, it ain't through the eyes that you

I could have dropped on the spot with the shock. All I was expecting to see was....Well, come to think of it, I don't rightly know what I was expecting to see....Certainly not this perfectly formed...being. I half expected it to cry out. It didn't, of course. It couldn't have done. It could never have had any life in it. I mean, not a proper life of its own. No, I suppose not. Still...it must have had some life, of course. And as it lay there so quiet, so still....it

We can't strike. Why not? Because it's against the law to strike! The king has declared that everything is a crime. Writing is a crime. Two weeks ago, the police destroyed the Galaty, the worker's newspaper. They smashed the press. They burned over two thousand newspapers but that didn't satisfy the king. Three days ago at a student meeting, a peaceful meeting, soldiers broke it up and arrested two of my friends. Writing, talking, going to class, speaking out is a crime. Being poor is a crime. Being poor is

Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community. Well, you got trouble my friend. Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City. Why sure I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden. Help ya cultivate horse

Well, as you guessed, Hope took over her father's business, instituting a series of reforms which opened the public bathrooms to all the people, to pee for free whenever they liked, as much as they liked, for as long as they liked, with whomever they liked. The UGC was renamed, "The Bobby Strong Memorial Toilet Authority" and was operated as a public trust for the benefit of the people. Of course, it wasn't long before the water turned silty, brackish and then disappeared altogether. As cruel as Caldwell B. Cladwell

Well, kiddies, that's what happened to Tommy today. But, what about his friend Jeff? Well, he had fun too. Tonight he went running off through the woods after some highland hot-head who was gonna make all the people disappear by crossing the wrong street. Well after a while, Jeff thought he saw a bird perched low in a tree, and he shot at it. Something fell to the ground. He rushed over to it, and whaddya think it was? It was hot-head Harry. Yessir, the boy Dermish himself, lying there

When I was a boy, I carried my heart in my hand... so... when this man came to our town - though my father said he was good - I thought he was bad. I was young... He attracted all the mean and cruel people to him. Soon he was running our town! He could do anything - take anything - I did not like that. I was young. I stood up in the public square and made a speech. I called upon everyone to stand with me against this

When I was a lad of eighteen, our King died in London and left no one to succeed him; only a sword stuck through an anvil which stood on a stone. Written on it in letters of gold it said: "Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil is rightwise King bom of all England." Many chaps tried to dislodge it, and none could. Finally a great tournament was proclaimed for New Year's Day, so that all the mightiest knights in England would be assembled at one time

You know, not many people knew it, but the Führer was a terrific dancer. (now shouting with rage) That is because you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! "Win with Winnie!" Churchill! With his cigars, with his brandy. And his ROTTEN painting! Rotten! Hitler, THERE was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! TWO COATS! Churchill. He couldn't even say "Nazi". He would say "Nooooozeeehz,

For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being President of this country was, to a certain extent, about character. Although I've not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here for three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation that being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU, but the more important question is, "Why aren't you, Bob?" Now this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so

No, no. Let them address me. It's about time I got to answer some questions here. The question is, "Do I have a God complex?" Which makes me wonder if this...lawyer, has any idea as to the kind of grades one must receive in college, to be accepted to a top medical school? Or if you have the vaguest clue about how talented someone must be to lead a surgical team? I have an M.D. from Harvard. I am board certified in cardiothorasic medicine and trauma surgery. I have been awarded citations

Take caution in your tone, comander. I'm a fair guy but this f#@king heat is making me absolutely crazy. You wanna ask me about code reds? On the record, I tell you I discourage the practice in acordance with the Commanders directives; off the record, I tell you it`s an invaluable part of close infantry training. And if it happens to go on without my knowledge, so be it. I run my unit how I run my unit. You wanna investigate me? Roll the dice and take your chances.

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg?...

I wish to testify about the Feldenstein case because it was the most significant trial of the period. It is important not only for the tribunal to understand it, but for the whole German people. But in order to understand it, one must understand the period in which it happened. There was a fever over the land, a

The case is unusual in that the defendants are charged with crimes committed in the name of the law. These men together with their deceased or fugitive colleagues, are the embodiment of what passed for justice during the Third Reich. The defendants served as judges during the period of the Third Reich. Therefore you your honors serving as

Jamie, look, Jamie! I said a lot of really crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend to you and I'm sorry, ok. The truth is that I'm afraid to be your friend because I'm always gonna want more. But then I got to thinking that I'd rather have

America is a wall and you are on the other side. how's a black man ever going to get a fair trial with the enemy on the bench and in the jury box?. My life in white hands, you Jake, that's how. You are my secret weapon because you are one of the bad guys, you don't mean

I had a great summation all worked out, full of some sharp lawyering...But I'm not going to read it. I'm here to apologize, I am young and I am inexperienced, but you cannot hold Carl lee Hailey responsible for my shortcomings. You see, in all this legal maneuvering something has gotten lost, and that something is the truth. Now, it is incumbent upon us lawyers not to just talk about the truth, but to actually seek it, to find it, to live it. My teacher taught me that. Let's take Dr Bass for example, now, obviously I would

Hey, welcome back to Stanley Spadowski's Club House. Are you kids having fun?? Hey, how about that cartoon, that was a weird cartoon, wasn't it? You know, that cartoon, it reminds me of a dream I had last week and I turned into a bird with a candy bar head! And there were these other birds, ya know, they're all tryin to eat my head and everything, but I get away from them, I did. And then there was this tree and there was this weird

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches forever, like an ocean of time....for me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars...and

My name is Lester Burnham. This is my street. This is my neighborhood. This is my life. I am 42 years old. In less than a year, I will be dead. Of course, I don't know that yet, and in a way, I'm dead already. Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the

Hmmm. Eliza: you are to stay here for the next six months learning how to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist shop. If you're good and do whatever you are told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle you shall sleep in the back kitchen amongst the black beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you shall be taken to Buckingham Palace in a

No, no, I can't afford 'em, gov'ner. Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any 'arm, mind you, but if Eliza's getting a bit out of this, why not me too? Eh? Why not? Well, look at it my way - what am I? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor, that's

Proposition: If I could choose from every woman who breathes on this earth; the face I would most love -- the smile, the touch, the heart, the voice, the laugh, the very soul itself, every detail and feature to the last strand of the hair--it would all be Jenny's. Proposition: If I could choose from every man who breathes on this earth -- a man for my brother, a man for my son, and a man for my friend it would all be Lance! I love them --

I think I have a multi-million dollar idea. Now, you have to be very secretive about what I'm going to tell you because the other hotels, if they heard about it, well, they'll grab it in a minute. I think, as an experiment, you give us back the money we lost. Imagine the publicity! I mean, the Hilton,

A lot of people don't realize what's reallygoing on. They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidences and things. They don't realize that there's this like lattice of coincidence that layers on top of everything. Give you an example, I'll show you what I mean. Suppose you thinking about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly somebody will say

Uh, I didn't get much sleep last night so...forgive me if I'm a little...foggy. But you know...today is a special day. We're here to mark a crossroads in the lives of two people. A crossroads where they...come together...and now walk along a new road. It's not the same road that they were on before. It's a new

Dear Ndugu... My name is Warren R. Schmidt, and...I'm your new foster father. Let's see. Personal information. All right. I live in Omaha, Nebraska. My older brother Harry lives in Roanoke, Virginia, with his wife Estelle. Harry lost a leg two years ago to diabetes. I am 66 years old and recently retired as Assistant Vice President and Actuary at Woodmen of the World Insurance Company. And g*dd@mn it if they didn't replace me with some kid who -- all right, so maybe he's got a little

Senior year was great. Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president but I got elected Homecoming King and Prom King. I got into Nebraska, like I wanted and early rushed Phil Delts. And at the end of the year, me and my buddies threw a b!*chin' Mexican party down at the cement plant. Sh!t, that was a good party! The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa. Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's totally in love with me, and then boom, she

My Rosie's dead. My dream is dead. And these monstrous things should be at the bottom of the river, along with me. Something in my head. Something talking. The inhibitor chip! Gone. Rebuild? No. Peter was right. I miscalculated. I couldn't have miscalculated. It was working, wasn't it? Yes. We could rebuild. Enlarge the containment field,

Okay this is really me now, no more hiding. Listen we're all worried, we're all in pain, that just comes with having eyes with having ears, but just remember one thing it can't get any worse, it can only get better. I mean high school is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there. You know I know all about the hating and the sneering, I'm a member of

You see, I never planned it like this. My dumb dad got me this short wave radio set so I could just speak to my friends back east, but I couldn't reach anybody, I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody was listening. Maybe I imagined one person out there, anyway one day I woke up and I realized I was never going to be normal and so I said f#@k it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hard-on was born. I never meant to hurt anyone, honestly I never meant

Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy. Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just f#@kin' wit' ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself, when I think of bellboys I think of--"bellboy" isn't an insult, is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson... Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia. But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy, with Jerry

My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T-E-D..TED... NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any

Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a sh!t, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound

Well, it's good to see so many familiar faces, so many old friends. Some of you I haven't seen in years. Well thank you for coming. Now, Bill Coles, our able President, in the annual report has told you of our year, of what we accomplished, of the need for further improvements, our business goals for next year

We would have been all right if there hadn't been any mess. But you can't handle mess. You need everything neat and easy. I don't know. Maybe you can't love anybody. It was so much Buck. When Buck died, it was like you buried all your love with him, and I don't understand that, I just don't know,

This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.

"Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? An obese man, a disgusting man who could barely stand up....a man who if you saw him on the street you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him. A man who if you saw while you were eating you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. And after him I picked the lawyer and you both must have secretly been thanking me for that one. This is a man who dedicated his life to making

Look, that night was as much a surprise to me as it was to you. But being with you was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after you fell asleep I just laid there, staring up at those cheap fluorescent stars you have stuck on your ceiling, and - after awhile they just started

"The dead remember our remembrance. The dead remember our silence." I came here tonight to be congratulated. But today when I visited the Red Cross camps, overwhelmed by the flood of refugees fleeing from the horror of Kazakhstan, I realized I don't deserve to be congratulated. None of us do. The truth

Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of the everyday routine, the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past, usually associated with

Have you ever stood and stared at it? Marveled at its beauty... its genius? Billions of people just living out their lives...oblivious. Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world where none suffered, where everyone would be happy? It was a disaster. No

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone,

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I've realized that you are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment. But you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern.

The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when go to church or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been

Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? Something more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Temporary constructs of a

It wasn't him, Charley! It was you. You remember that night in the Garden, you came down to my dressing room and said: "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night!" My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors

Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiance. He was thirty-five years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit for his long, reputed soul mate; a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night

Ok, let's forget the bullshit and let's get in this so called "art". (He walks to the mic). "Style"....(sips his drink) style is the answer to everything. A fresh way to approach a dull or a dangerous thing. To do a dull thing with style is preferable to doing a dangerous thing without style. To do a dangerous thing with style is what I call "art". Bullfighting can be an art. Boxing can be an art. Loving can be an art. Opening a can of sardines can be an art.

He will not be alone. He will never be alone. You will travel far, my little Kal-El. We will never leave you, even in the face of our deaths. The richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I have learned, everything I feel, all this and more, I bequeath to you, my

My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. I am your father. By now you will have reached your 18th year, as it is measured on Earth. By that reckoning, I will have been dead for many thousands of your years. The knowledge, that I have matters physical and historic, I have given you fully on

This is no fantasy. No careless product of wild imagination. No, my good friends, these indictments I have brought you today, the specific charges listed herein against the individuals, their acts of treason, their ultimate aim of sedition! These are matters of undeniable fact! I ask you now to pronounce judgment on those accused. On this, this mindless

Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community. Well, you got trouble my friend. Right here, I say, trouble right here inRiver City. Why sure I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with

Boy, look, look! Look! Your daddy may not had a whole lot of money. Oh, but he was rich, because he invested in people. What'd you think? You think I was the only one he gave a job to, Calvin? No! That man opened up the doors to anybody and any knucklehead around here in the city of Chicago that wanted to come down here and make somebody out themselves. Gave the opportunity to be somebody! A licensed professional barber. Now, me, myself, personally...I wouldn't gave half these bail-jumpers the

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to

You got this lion, he's the king of the jungle. Huge mane out to here. He's laying down under a tree, in the middle of Africa, he's so big, he's so hot! He doesn't wanna move. Now, the little lion cubs they start messin' with him, bitin' his tail, bitin' his ears, he doesn't do anything. The lioness,

Eh, we're letting it all hang out now, let me tell you something else. When it comes to pleasing a woman, your girlfriends, they're just... they're at a natural disadvantage. It's like they might try hard, but they're just not backed up by millions of years of genetic engineering, programming, instinct. Nature has evolved man for that purpose.

I don't owe anybody anything. He couldn't lift up his f#@king arms. He couldn't even hold a f#@king fork. Ya know, there was nothing wrong with his brain. He even f#@king knew what was going on, I knew what was going on. We both just kept on together, day after day, and he's just wasting away. All those nurses, they're flinging him about, ya know and they're saying "stand back, we know what we're doing." And I said, "well, if you know what you're f#@king doing why does he look

Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where, uh, Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins

Howard! It's Bateman, Pat Bateman. You're my lawyer, so I think you should know I killed alot of people! Some escort girls in an apartment uptown...some homeless people, maybe 5 or 10! Ummm...Some girl I met at an NYU party. I left her body in the parking lot behind some old donut shop! My old girlfriend Beverly with a nail gun. Some man, some old FAGGOT with a dog! I killed another girl with a chainsaw. I had to, she almost got away. There was someone else there, I can't remember...maybe a model or something. But,

I live in the American Gardens building on West 81st street. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water activated gel cleanser. Then a honey

I was 27 years old the first time I died. I remember there was white everywhere. There was war, and I felt alive. But, really, I was dead. Sometimes I think we live through things only to be able to say that it happened. That it wasn't to someone else, it was to me. Sometimes we live to beat the odds. I'm not crazy... even though they thought I was. I live in the same world as everyone else, I just saw more of it, as I'm sure you have.

The one person I have always loved. Delbert Botts That's who you said to call, isn't it? I admit his name is not so good - but he is absolutely beautiful. - At least, he was when I was in high school. Of course, I haven't seen him since and he was about seven years older than I even then. I've loved him ever since the first day I laid eyes on him which was when I was in the fifth grade and he was a senior. -

So if I asked you about art you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at the N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well.

Wood drastically... Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth. You got that from Vickers. "Work in Essex County", page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you going to plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you, is

Yesssss. Oh Christ....aahhh, but, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the sh!t I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she

I can't tell you anything you don't know. We live in the trenches out there. We fight. We try not to be killed. Sometimes we are. That's all... I've been there! I know what it's like.... I heard you in here reciting that same old stuff, making more iron men, more young heroes. You still think it's beautiful and sweet to die for your country, don't you? Well, we used to think you knew. The first bombardment taught us better. It's dirty and painful to die for your country. When

Mueller. I saw him die. (He cries) I didn't know what it was like to die before. And then--then I came outside...and it felt...it felt so good to be alive that I started in to walk fast. I began thinking of the strangest things, like being out in the fields. Things like that. You know-- girls. It felt as if there were something electric running from the ground up through me. And I started and I began to run hard. And I passed soldiers and I heard voices calling to

If there was one word to describe my mother it would be...How do I put this delicately? She was... (searching for the right word) She was.... She was Crazy!

We all make mistakes in life, Charlie. They chase us down. For some of us it's the tiniest turn off the path, and for some... well. This one goes into the wrong alley at night. That one buys his pot from the wrong dealer.

New around here? (Beat) Yeah. Don’t live here, though. (Gestures) Live out in the suburbs. Job brought me here. I’m on a lunch break. (Beat) I’m in the movie business.

We had this wok. We got it for our wedding. She registered
for it. I really never understood why. We’re not Asian. I’m not
racist, but it’s not like either one of us knew how to use the thing.

Let me tell you a lesson about life! Ok? Life is not… What do you do? You sell Girl Scout cookies? Ok, let me tell you something.

People have called me a hero, a killer, a saint and a psychopath. They even used to say the first three all in the same sentence: hero, killer, saint.

You know, I had sex two weeks ago. With this one girl from Tennessee. Well, I had sex last night with a girl from Tennessee, also.

Hello? Hello … yeah I know this is Vic Silver's office. I helped pay for most of it ... the Danish modern furniture … the new carpeting … the phony Chagalls on the wall ... but who the hell are you?

Yes. It’s… exactly how I remember it. (Camielle smiles) When you first arrive, they stick you in these smaller rooms. They want you out there meeting people.

Do not bethink me invalid

Just for my graying beard. For I have fought

A thousand wars, and seen a million years.

Only through a child’s awe is the world innocent and free, then it all becomes a matter of responsibilities. A place, where love is sensuality of a moment:

How many of you have ever had to wear braces?

Bartender. Whiskey. 4 fingers of Jack. Straight.

You know what it’s like to raise a retard? Do ya? God damn you, boy, you know what it’s like to raise you?

I hate cruelty. If there’s one thing I’ve always hated, it’s cruelty. I’m a peaceful person. I keep to myself, and I’m polite, and I never hurt others.

Sex with dead people? You know, you… put it like that, it sounds awful. But, it’s really not that bad. Of course, you… have to lubricate.

It’s fitting. It’s finally fitting. (He chuckles, sadly) Professor Church, I think you’ll be finding this house mighty fitting for a president of any university, and especially ours.

Eighty years. That's funny isn't it? Like one of those ludicrously over-sized foam hands they sell at ball games. Funny stuff right? Seriously, you can't make this up.

Oh, Joe! I've been thinkin' about that question you asked me, about the penis. Not the second one, wherein you so graciously offered yours to my sight.

I had been in India for about two months, casually touring the
countryside. On this particular leg of the trip, I was on the way from
Agra, where I had visited the only thing to see in Agra, the Taj Mahal,
going to Benares to observe the bathing in the Ganges.

It was the spring of 1969 when I joined the Army. Got myself right out of graduate school. It was the first time since I was five when I wasn’t in school.

I just wanted someone to talk to. But… he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore…

I can’t sleep. It’s four AM and I’ve been up all night, thinking vivid thoughts as I sit on the edge of the bed. My girl’s hair is curled around my fingers and I think of something sharp.

Laura? Laura? Remember the little boat we had on Harrison Lake
and how one night we rowed off until we felt that in the whole
world there were only the two of us, you and me?

Yo! What’s up, homes? You miss me? Cause I sure as hell miss you, brother.

I have been on one road trip before. The summer after we first got together, Melissa took a summer internship at this PR firm in St. Louis, and she asked me to drive her out.

I am not a murderer. It isn't murder when you kill vermin: cockroaches, rats, weasels. Because that's what they were: two legged vermin.

Ah, thou vexeth me.

I long to see thee smile. Come, stand next

To me; and we’ll gaze upon the earth awhile.

Hi. I'm Fred. I just want you people to know before I get started that what I'm going to tell you is the straight stuff. I don't pussy-foot around.

You wanna smoke some weed? (JEFF continues playing his video game) Yo, I said you wanna smoke some weed?

It was with a certain sense of weightlessness that I found

myself driving to our local box superstore.

Because you’re fucking gorgeous, dahling! It’s true, I admit it. I was quite taken by your absolute yumminess.

He wasn’t always evil. And that’s what hurts the most, you know? I… remember playing baseball when I was younger.

Out of the starting gate, let me say that I find it difficult to believe you’d give a moment’s thought to my insignificant existence.

When I was younger my mom had this caramel colored dress that she’d wear to church every Sunday. It was the only one she had because we didn’t have a lot of money back then.

Thy words

Bring rivers to my eyes. Please, forgive

My imposition. I’ll not ask thee anymore.

I know this guy ever since I was a kid. And every time something comes up we get into an argument over it. If it’s raining out and I tell him its raining, he’ll say, No, man, that’s not rain, that’s mist.

Sure, most kids I know who had mothers who stayed at home had happier childhoods than the rest of us.

I watched your father die. (He looks at her) There was nothing I could do. I had just come home from shopping and I heard the gun go off upstairs.

Mortimer’s Magic. This is Mortimer. (Small pause) Yes ma’am, I do all of that. Juggling, acrobatics. Yes, fire breathing as well.

I was there when my father died. Right by his side. Hell, almost on top of him, because I was more than just “there” when his heart beat its final beat, I pretty much lead him by the hand to death’s door.

I’ve got a really cool uncle, his name’s Bill. Whenever my parents have to go somewhere, they take me to his place on the other side of town.

Winston was behind me. All of a sudden Ah'uz lifted twenty feet in the air. Ah' woke up lookin' up at the stars.

It’z like one spoiled roll…
Yeah, one spoiled roll, you’ve ruined my breakfast…

Here I am, this very day, standing at what seems to be, the end of the earth.

I… don't know why I did it. I… really liked her though, you know? But she sent me…

Oh, you fags are all alike. You come in here, seeking answers. And redemption.

You know what gets me, though, man? You know what really pisses me off? You know, with this whole “theater” thing?

Oh, you goose. God himself could not oppress me.

I gave no whimpered pleas.

When I was five I got a budgie for Christmas. My big sister named him Couscous and I taught him to say “Hello Polly,” which wasn’t either of our names, but hey, I was five.

W-E-L-C-O-M-E-!!!!!

To the future

Has this place changed me? No one for miles. No televisions. No computers. Or phones.

I'll tell you right now and I'll only say it once so you better slide up close and get both ears into it: I don't have to account to you or anyone else for my life.

When I was in Lowe's the other day I ran into Mr. Bradshaw. Growing up, he was a neighbor of ours. He asked about my folks.

You don't write Bible verses on restaurant receipts. It's not good business. And it's against the restaurant's policies.

You wanna know what my real problem is? It’s not the booze, it’s not the fights -it’s you!

There’s one thing I can tell you about superheroes. No matter which one you’re talking about – Spiderman, the Hulk, Catwoman – there’s no doubt I have this right.

I never knew my mum. She died of obstetrical hemorrhage during childbirth; severe bleeding. She lived long enough to hold me in her arms, look me in the eyes and say, “Sam.”

I have here in my hands a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill. That’s right- good old Ben Franklin himself- the real deal. And someone here in this audience will get to take Gentle Ben home with them tonight for the low, low price of… One hug.

It’s a four wheel drive. I’m supposed to be able to drive anywhere. I ran into a tree in the park.

People are so stupid! How do they survive day to day?

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. Every time we were together, I could only think of Rebekah --

Mister Congressman, sir. Esteemed people... ordinary folk,
much like myself, and all the rest of ya... I'm here to talk
about the new health care funding cuts, actually I want to
complain about `em.

Through a horrible miscalculation entirely of no one’s fault but my own, I found myself suddenly soulless in Santa Monica, California on a Tuesday with no transportation and a copy of Bukowski’s “Hot Water Music” as my lone companion.

Did you know reptile aliens have infiltrated our government? I ain’t just talkin’ ‘bout that show V. I’m talkin’ for real life.

It all started in this tent back in the sixties. I saw Jerry Garcia’s head swell up like a big balloon. I knew that Jerry’s head was forever!

Good morning class… Very good! Now on with… Timmy, you put that away. Today’s lesson is stereotypes.

Don’t worry. You are safe here with me. Most homeless people get a bad rep for being strange and off-putting.

This whole field is covered in blood. And then… shielded by a golden sea. No one knows the fertilizer that’s in this ground! It’s me! It comes from me!

It’s my blender, Jared. Mine. You can’t have it. No way. I’ll give you a frappe. I’ll give you a goddamn mango frappe. Right in the nose. It’s my blender.

Category: Male Monologues