Female: Contemporary: Comic

He told me that I ruined the Beatles for him. I’ve heard that more than once –
from more than one man.

Did you know reptile aliens have infiltrated our government? I ain’t just talkin’ ‘bout that show V. I’m talkin’ for real life.

Why in the wide world am I here?... well, of course I know why… I’m talkin’ ‘bout what led me to bein’ here... Girl, I’ve been where you are…

Today’s the thirteenth of February and it’s looking like I’ll be getting flowers from no one but my mother for the sixteenth consecutive Valentine’s Day.

I’m about to lose it. My baby is not sleeping again. I’ve been up every 2 hours for the past week pretty much.

I have not been enjoying my time, my year and seven months here. Hell, I’m not even sure why I’m in The Rubber Room.

I never knew my mum. She died of obstetrical hemorrhage during childbirth; severe bleeding. She lived long enough to hold me in her arms, look me in the eyes and say, “Sam.”

I didn't think we were going to get here. Did Ted tell you I got stung by a platoon of ants this morning?

…Can’t tell you how glad… no. Happy. I was to hear from you again!

Amber, you just have to help me pick out something to wear for the awards show.

When I was five I got a budgie for Christmas. My big sister named him Couscous and I taught him to say “Hello Polly,” which wasn’t either of our names, but hey, I was five.

You know what gets me, though, man? You know what really pisses me off? You know, with this whole “theater” thing?

I mean, I would film myself
Just not with a porn person.

Do you think he spotted me? (She checks) Okay, all clear.

Son of a bitch calls me up said he wants to meet in a warehouse. I say no deal, muchacho. I always meet in public.

It’z like one spoiled roll…
Yeah, one spoiled roll, you’ve ruined my breakfast…

Hi. My name’s Rebethany. Rebethany Anne Chastain. I know, it sounds British, don't it?

Dear Jesus, please bless my mother in Heaven and my father and my dog Bernard! And my friend Samantha from my science class, because she’s so nice and she helped me in my lab last week.

I’m an actress. And you know what that’s like.

Hello! I am so glad- happy- super excited to be here! Is that too much? Eight cups of coffee! I’m a little obsessive with caffeine. With everything! Okay, let me start over.

I recently ran into an Old High School Acquaintance. To my surprise, this formerly semi-religious Jew revealed he’d converted to Christianity.

Hi Roomie! We finally meet!

It's me! Yes! Your college roommate!

Take your seats and listen up. Your beloved Mr. Greer hasn’t much... Musser! In your seat.

Omg, yah, getting engaged is the end… I mean it’s not the end

the end, but sorta the end jk, jk, right, the story.

It's a conspiracy. Men. Pretending they care for you, when in the end, they only care for themselves.

Here, come my friend. I give you a freebie. I read your tarot. I tell you your future. And this is freebie. This is free.

It started with 32 weeks, from conception to birth - a hurried, panicked affair, unexpectedly early, in the back seat of my Dad’s 1982 Taurus with ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and eighty seven miles on the odometer.

Mr. Cornell, Ah have tried to be neighborly, Ah have tried to be friendly, and Ah have tried to be cordial...Ah don't know what it is that you're tryin' to be. That first night Ah was appreciative that you carried mah trunk up the stairs...The fact that it slipped and fell five flights and smashed to pieces was not your fault...Ah didn't even mind that personal message you painted on the stairs. Ah thought it was crazy, but sorta sweet. However, things have now gone too far...Ah cannot accept

My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it's my belief they done the old woman in. Yes Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon. Now, what would you call a woman with that strength in her have to die of

Next time I enslave a whole nation, I must check out there intelligence first. Nikko, Nikko! Where is the commander of my aerobatic apes? There you are. I have an important task for you. My enemies are about to enter the Haunted Forest. I want you to rouse your men and snatch the sickening little girl and her equally nauseating little dog. Exhausted? What do you mean you're exhausted? Alright, alright. I'll conjure up a spell to take the fight out of her. Now which of my creepy crawlie creations

Now Linus, I want you to take a good look at Charlie Brown's face. Would you please hold still a minute, Charlie Brown, I want Linus to study your face. Now, this is what you call a Failure Face, Linus. Notice how it has failure written all over it. Study it carefully, Linus. You rarely see such a good example. Notice the deep lines, the dull, vacant look in the eyes. Yes, I would say this is one of the finest examples of a Failure Face that you're liable to

Say, ain't it my turn next? All right, I'm comin'. [Enters.] Here I be, sassy as a woodchuck and twicet as handsome. You know who I be, don't you? I'm little Sis Hopkins from Skinny-marink Crossroads down in Toadhunter Holler. [Leans over and speaks confidentially to the audience.] You know I'm the only one in this here show who's a real actress. The others is only ham-chewers, but I've had experience with a real show troupe. I led one of the bloodhounds in Uncle Tom's Cabin street pee-rade last time it played down in the Skinny-marink opery house. Them

So, the day after I turned 18, I kissed the folks goodbye, got on a Trailways bus - and headed for the big bad apple. Cause I wanted to be a Rockette. Oh, yeah, let's get one thing straight. See, I never heard about "The Red Shoes," I never saw "The Red Shoes," I didn't give a fuck about "The Red Shoes." I decided to be a Rockette because this girl in my home town - Louella Heiner - had actually gotten out and made it in New York. And

Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks (gasp) a bagel! You'd say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem - I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls. Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and tough as leather. And that's six expressions more than all those...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got...such

Well then how can you say such a thing, I want you to get married, how many times have I said to you I want you to get married. Only this morning I was saying to your father: I said Sextimus, I want that boy to get married, it just isn't normal for a boy that age to stay single I said after all he is a prince, don't forget that, and he is next in line for the throne. I mean we're not exactly the oldest people in the

What's going on Harmony? I don't get it, why is it when you become a teenager everything gets so confusing? I mean, what are they doing, spiking the make-up? Is there some unwritten law that when you become a teenager you move into the realm of insanity? If I remember correctly, that's about the time everything started getting

You and your obsession with rollercoasters. What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I— How do I buckle this thing? I got it. Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally tell you what’s in my heart right now. This might not be the best conversation to have on the rollercoaster, but if what I am about to say breaks your heart, you can just claim that whatever tears might be in your eyes are due to wind resistance. (Leans back – the

50 million women in the United States suffer from orgasmic dysfunction. 50 million. But tonight we are going to cut that number by 10. (Applause) Because tonight we are going to learn about the healing power of masturbation. The greatest source of energy known to womankind! Yes, yes, yes. I want you to write a name for your vagina. Anything you please. Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty. Christen her. Own her. It can be anything you choose, you know. All right, does everybody have a name? Let's see. What have

What a pleasant occupation these dances are! Very good indeed! What could be more delightful? You go to the assembly, or to somebody's wedding, you sit down, naturally, all beflowered like a doll or a magazine picture. Suddenly up runs a gentleman: "May I have the happiness, miss?" Well, you see, if he's a man of wit, or a military individual, you accept, drop your eyes a little, and answer: "If you please, with pleasure!" Ah! [Warmly] Most fas-ci-nat-ing! Simply beyond understanding! [Sighs] I dislike most of all dancing with students and government office clerks. But it's the real

I shall go mad! I'll never entertain again--never--never--people ought to know whether they're coming or not--but they accept and regret and regret and accept--they drive me wild. This is my last dinner party--my very last--a fiasco--an utter fiasco! A haphazard crowd--hurried together--when

Bah! That's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. What were you to do? Why, let him go home in the rain, to be sure. I'm very certain there was nothing about him that could spoil. Take cold? Indeed! He doesn't look like one of the sort to take cold. Besides, he'd

I don't know. I don't know what the problem is. I've been trying to write about the city, you know, my experiences here. Then I decided to write a love story, but that's not working out either. My hero sounds more like a clothing store dummy than

In the beginning, I am mean and greedy and selfish. This is symbolized by three things, A: There is a half-finished sculpture of an angel in my garage. B: There is a hungry little boy that sleeps on my doorstep every night that I call the police on. And C: I have a dying father that I haven't talked to in years. Then one day I see the error of my ways. I don't know how, I don't know. But I see it. Then: [Pause, a little smile.] The song comes on. And in the three

There was a woman. A single mother living in this terrible, or terribly excitingly terrible place called the hood, it is full of a naughty little substance called crack, and has people driving small van like cars then shooting people from them, it's a terribly excitingly terrible place. Anyway a lady namedwell they all called her Sista!! Sista? Isn't that charming? Well she had a son that everyone called Brutha', Now I have not yet determined if indeed they are biological brothers and sisters. But I don't think so because Brutha called SistaMutha. Now Brutha also had a

It happens to every actress who is moderately pretty and successful. It's one of the oldest expedients in the world, and we actresses are such conspicuous targets for it! There is scarcely a man connected with the theater who doesn't make use of us in that way

I was jealous of every woman my first husband looked in the face ... and he was a portrait painter, do you remember? My second husband suffered tortures from his own jealousy ... of your grandfather. That was premature, but prophetic, for your dear grandfather was our neighbor

You may say what you like, Don Cosme, I can't agree that Teresina is quite as complex as you think she is, and I'm certainly not subject to illusions. I know the World; I'm not an ingenuous child; I say I'm not because, good Lord! no widow has any business to be one. Although I must admit that as far as years go, and in looks and manner, I am still something of a child. But that's because of certain characteristics. Don't you think so? Why don't you speak? You understand my character? [Turning toward DON COSME

Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did. Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then... ... I read my horoscope. Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance figures prominently. Musical notes involved. Okay--I don’t get the musical notes thing either--but that’s not the point. The point is it said today is my day. And it has been--all day!!! I

Oh for chrissake, Sis, why should I explain this to anyone? Its just something that snuck up on me - it just. Okay, I'll tell you if you keep your mouth shut till I'm done. Promise Chloe? Chloe? Okay. So. It's last May. I've been

Is that you, Helen? Come in. You must excuse me for seeing you up here, but this is my day for treatment and I don't get up till afternoon. Oh, didn't you know? I'm taking a course with Omarkanandi, this famous Hindu priest. You haven't heard of him? Oh, my

Good-evening, Mrs. Callender--good evening, Mr. Callender. You see I have my husband with me! Edward has said, all through his illness, that the very first time he went out it would be over here to your house, so you see it's quite an event. The doctor said this morning when he found Edward so depressed

Come in, Reuben. Have a chair. [Pause.] This is a real nice day, except fer the wind blowin' an' bein' sort of cold, an' fer that shower we had this mornin'. Paw's real well -- aside from a little touch of lumbago. Maw's enjoyin' real poor health -- sort of neuralgy in the head. Our crop's lookin' fine. You just oughter see our taters. It beats all how they're growin'. [Pause.] How's your mother now? Feelin' real miserable? You think she has to work too hard? Wal, I think so,

Look what I brought. Surprise! A picnic! They said they'd let me bring this in. Look! A pic-a-nic basket. Like Yogi Bear! Eh? Boo-boo? Let me just set this up, EVEN though I know you can't eat, I just thought it would be nice to take us back... oh, here they come. Well of course I

I will excuse the remark you have just made because the mistake was, doubtless, not an unnatural onein your circle. I asked you to sit down; if the invitation must constitute me your honeysuckle, consider it withdrawn. Now, tell me about these people passing and crowding, each way, along these

All right, Claire Marie, I know you're up there...."

David, it can't work. I panicked when I met you. I thought you were my last chance so I got you under false pretenses. I pretended to be perfect because I thought you wanted that. David, I'm not perfect. When you were going through your difficulties in making a commitment to me, I know you thought I was "understanding," but, David, I'm not understanding. Everything you do bothers me. You want too much. I can't look pretty all the time. You know, I'm

That's it, isn't it, Ed? You think it's something dirty. "Hey, baby, let's go to my place." That's your speed, isn't it, Eddie? Get out! Otherwise, why would you propose doing something like that with me. On my parents' couch, while my mother is sleeping upstairs and my father's watching television in the next room and my brother is due to walk in that door any minute, and my little sister's got her ear to the kitchen wall. Get out! My parents

(Getting into her rollercoaster seat.) (She’s talking to her boyfriend.) You and your obsession with rollercoasters. What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I— How do I buckle this thing? I got it. Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally tell you what’s in my heart right now. This might not be the best conversation to have on the rollercoaster, but if what I am about to say breaks your heart, you can just claim that whatever tears might be in your eyes are

(Southern Dialect.) Now what’s that sound creeping into my old ears? Ah, it’s just as I feared, a sound this old gal has heard all too often, knows all too well, in fact. Ain’t nothing quite like the lonesome wish of a young, helpless heart. Child, you got a look on your face like you spent the whole day crying tears the size of huckleberries. Am I right? You look like a girl who is crock-full of dreams, and all of them have gotten squished one way or another. And now you,

(Writing a letter, speaking the words as she writes.) To my dear husband. No. Dear Chris. No, no. Dear Nick. Dear St. Nick. No. Dear Mr. Claus. I am so sorry it has come to this. We've been married for over a dozen centuries and yet somehow we've grown apart. Maybe it's the fact that you spend more time with your reindeer than you do with me. Or that you don't feel complete unless you are down in your workshop, slave-driving those poor elves. (Continues speaking, but no longer writing. Feel free

Ben is in love? With me? I would think that clucking batch of hens were playing some kind of trick on me, just making stuff up. But Aunt Sue… she wouldn’t lie. She’s old. She wants to make sure she gets into heaven. So it must be true. Ben loves me. And the others think that I would shun him. That I would scoff at him just because the poor guy has feelings for me. Or that I’d gloat ‘cuz he finds me so beautiful. I wouldn’t gloat. It ain't his fault I'm so darn pretty. And

Hold it right there, Dante! I’ve watched you do this all your life, from kindergarten to the twelth grade. But it’s not going to happen tonight. Don’t look at me like that, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Remember first grade? The lunchroom. You’re walking around begging for a chocolate chip cookie. “Oh, I’m little Dante and I’m so sad. My mommy packed nothing but veggies. Oh I wish I had a cookie. Oh if only!” Here, Dante, I said kindly, here’s a chocolate chip cookie, and what did

I kissed a boy once. At least I tried. I don’t know if it counts if they don’t kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma and I don’t get to see folks much, but we go into town. Sometimes. And Grandma says I just have to be careful to mind my manners, and Grandma says I’m real good at being careful, but sometimes I get so bored in that little town. Only one video store. Only two churches. And the park only has two swings and a pool that

I’m the kind of girl who takes pity on poor pathetic geeks who have never kissed a girl. Let’s just say that I like someone who is easily trainable – someone who will truly appreciate me. It’s sad, I know. But hey, I’ll take an ego boost wherever I can get it. Unfortunately, these adorably nerdy boyfriends get boring after a while. I mean, I can only listen to their computer games and mathematic equations for so long. Of course, Stuart’s different in a lot ways. He’s terrible at math,

I'll tell you what happened. I woke up earlier than you. I got out the ice chest. I made sandwiches. I washed the rhubarb I had been hiding at the bottom of the fridge as a surprise. And I packed all of those other snacks including your precious fig cookies which I lovingly placed into the ice chest. You ate half of the fig newtons, without offering me a single one. Then, three hours later, when the ice melted, and you noticed them floating there, getting soggy, you just left

Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific? Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver, but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh- He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold. Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland 911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave? The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland 911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart? And you're being attacked

No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man

So, looks like everyone is having a marvelous time. Hello, good to see you. Nice to meet you. Hi there, I’m the Wicked Witch, here’s my card. Let’s do lunch sometime. Ah, and here’s the birthday girl, surrounded by all of these gifts and her good little fairy friends. And here’s King Jonathan and Queen Jessica. You certainly invited a great number of people. But somehow you seemed to have overlooked the one person who could have been your most delightful guest. But no, no, don’t apologize. My feelings are

That's not true. Young women need the Prom. It's a rite of passage as sacred as getting your driver's license or buying your first bra. There are only a few things in life that are guaranteed to be glorious and memorable and sparkling with gowns and cummerbunds. Prom is the quintessential teenage experience. Think of the unlucky grown-ups and the elderly who lament the day they decided not to go to the Prom. It is a key ingredient to a happy and meaningful life. Prom is short for Promenade, a

What do I look for in a man? Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. A man who is kind, and who is honest, unless of course his honesty would be unkind, then he should be diplomatic, but still firm, both in integrity and physique. He should be devilishly handsome and angelically humble. And whether it be the rolling seas or the towering skyscrapers, he should love his work, and love it even more when he rushes home to ask how my day has been. The sort of man

What do I think of the play? How very brave of you to ask me. Hmm. What do I think of your play. I am on the verge of boredom. Utter boredom. I have been told that the playwright once taught English at the community college level, and it shows. In fact, it seems as though the bulk of this claptrap is derived from the playwright's lecture notes shortly before his students drove him insane. And that's the primary flaw of the play. It's too educational. Theater should enlighten with

Young man, I am very busy. Would you please take your gawking eyes and your bubble-gum belabored jaws elsewhere? When you return next week, you’ll find some significant changes have been made. As the new librarian, I have been placed in charge of reorganization and redistribution. And in the process I am removing a few unnecessary novels. Too much fantasy and folly can spoil a child’s mind. This library needs more science and less Dr. Seuss. More history and less Hogwarts. Children need academics and not adventures. One doesn’t get into a

[Hobbles in, limping grotesquely] Oh, is that you, Marie? [Groan] I'm glad you came over to see me, 'cause I'm most dead. I ain't been behind my counter fer five days now, and day before yesterday I was in bed with my nerves. Honest, I thought I'd had a stroke.

[Sticks her head in the door; the head only is visible to the audience.] Say, ain't it my turn next? All right, I'm comin'. [Enters.] Here I be, sassy as a woodchuck and twicet as handsome. You know who I be, don't you? I'm little Sis Hopkins from Skinny-marink

Good afternoon, Mrs. Boyer. How do you do, ladies! Isn't it a lovely day. I saw some cars out in front, Mrs. Boyer, and I thought Willie and I would just drop over and spend the afternoon with you. Willie is so fond of company. Say "How do you do" to the ladies, Willie.

Have yeez heard about me good fortune? Ould Mrs. Pinnymint doied, she did, and what do ye think?--She lift me a furnished bungaloo in her will. Oi been her cook fer twinty years and she had so much money she didn't know who to lave it all to. She lift Dinnis the coachman

I've made up my mind at last. I'll throw convention to the winds and show the world that I'm a new woman. I'll do it--I'll do it to-night! I'll propose to Reginald Brady. [A little faster.] I've considered the question from every possible stand-point and I've

Vell, Sarah Goldfish, maybe I ain't a tired voman already. My, ain't you got a style today mit a new lace collar an' a clean dress, an' ever'thing. Me, I ain't got no more time for to be stylish. Like to a slave I am, mit three children, und a dog, und funerals all

My husband is very experienced. He's been with hundreds of women. Thousands. On our wedding day alone, he impregnated seven bridesmaids, two caterers, the photographer, the photographer's assistant, her youngest daughter, the preacher's wife, my third-grade English teacher, a marine biologist, two blue whales, and one old woman who just

Hello? Kristen?...(screaming/excited) Kristen! Oh my gosh I can't believe it's you! Where do you live now? How's your mom?(beat) She remarried? How do you like him? Really?(beat) Well, as long as he's nice, you'll get used to him. So how have you been? It's so nice to here from you. (beat) Writing? Oh don't worry about that,

Stephanie, are you crazy! You can't wear that around here...Where do you think you are, the "St. Mary's School for Girls", cutie, you're downtown now. You can't wear that bandana around your ankle, like some little fashion accessory! You'll get us both killed! (Beat) Yeah it looks great...but sorry...you're not wearing it. You'll see a

You know something Doug, it seems like every person I know is trying to be perfect. They're all working out to get that perfect body, shopping to find those perfect clothes, saving money to buy that perfect car, all this while trying to maintain straight "A's" so they can get into the perfect college. Then we get

"Do you know what I intend? I intend to be a queen. When I grow up I’m going to be the biggest queen there ever was, and I’ll live in a big palace and when I go out in my coach, all the people will wave and I will shout at them, and...and...in the summertime I will go to my summer palace and I’ll wear my crown in swimming and everything, and all the peo ple will cheer and I will shout at them... What do you mean I can’t

A 'C'? A 'C'? I got a 'C' on my coathanger sculpture? How could anyone get a 'C' in coathanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If so, is it fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly,

Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. And that is why I am standing here, in the Devil's own city, on the Devil's own street, prepared to do battle with the forces of evil. Hear me, you gamblers! With your dice, your cards, your horses! Pause and think before it is too late! You are in great danger! I am not speaking of the prison and the gallows, but of the greater punishment that awaits you! Repent before

I know you think Mr. Mushnik's too hard on me. But, I don't mind. After all, I owe him everything. He took me out of the Skid Row Home for Boys when I was just a little tyke. Gave me a warm place to sleep, under the counter. Nice things to eat like meatloaf and water. Floors to sweep and toilets to clean and every other Sunday off. A lotta garden clubs have been calling - asking me to give lectures - imagine me, giving lectures. I never even finished

Category: Female: Contemporary: Comic

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