SILENCE!! Now, how are we going to play Get the Guests? (to Martha) You be quiet! I wonder...I wonder...."

Barefaced audacity. What led you to be so... vindictive against your own brother? I'm bowled over. Well, Ted, I would say this is something approaching the naked truth, isn't it?..."

You're stinking the place out. You're an old robber, there's no getting away from it. You are an old skate. You don't belong in a nice place like this...

How does God speak to us? It's a good question. You know Lee Sussman... Did he ever tell you about the goy's teeth?...So, Lee is at work one day. You know, he has the orthodontic practice there at Great Bear. He is making a plaster mold. It's for corrective bridgework in the mouth of one of his patients, Russel Krauss....

Jack and Fran in the hospital cafeteria, at a table, sipping tea. JACK: "You know, it isn't so simple, to stand on the outside and watch something so, so primitive, so profound..."

Qed, if I saw a man eating grass I'd say he was hungry. They'd have him certified. They claim snow is only precipitation and not candied dew, and the single heart-beat only the contraction and dilation of the central organ of the vascular system. Whroom......"

In my experience, the worst thing you can do to an important problem is discuss it..."

That nine year old kid, Judy Miller...they're gonn let her play baseball with the boys. How'd you like that. Father had to go to court but they're gonna let her play, I think it's terrific. I mean, who the hell notices at that age? If the kid's a good ball player, what's the difference if she's a girl? Father must be a hell of a guy, he took it all the way to court, huh?.......They play but they don't play on dirt anymore, they play on plastic. Ballplayers are a

I dunno...but whenever I see her I just wanna...you know, I wanna....undress her....I wanna tie her up. I wanna pump her. Pump, pump, pump til she screams bloody murder. And then I wanna flip her ass over and pump her even more. And so hard that my dick shoots right through her. And that my...come squirts out her mouth....And not that I could ever.....

Hi Jen, what's up? Say, you don't happen to know this girl named Lydia that goes to our school, do you? She's in our World History class. She sits in the back...You know... the girl with the light brown hair and the big beautiful smile. (beat) Yeah, that's the one. What do you think of her? I

Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? C ourage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?

How humiliating. Max Bialystock! Max Bialystock! You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Del Monaco's, $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye!… Look at me now. Look at me now! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money into a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now… voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping at Max Bialystock's office to

New around here? (Beat) Yeah. Don’t live here, though. (Gestures) Live out in the suburbs. Job brought me here. I’m on a lunch break. (Beat) I’m in the movie business.

W-E-L-C-O-M-E-!!!!!

To the future

I have here in my hands a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill. That’s right- good old Ben Franklin himself- the real deal. And someone here in this audience will get to take Gentle Ben home with them tonight for the low, low price of… One hug.

It’s a four wheel drive. I’m supposed to be able to drive anywhere. I ran into a tree in the park.

Through a horrible miscalculation entirely of no one’s fault but my own, I found myself suddenly soulless in Santa Monica, California on a Tuesday with no transportation and a copy of Bukowski’s “Hot Water Music” as my lone companion.

It’s my blender, Jared. Mine. You can’t have it. No way. I’ll give you a frappe. I’ll give you a goddamn mango frappe. Right in the nose. It’s my blender.