Monologues

It’s my blender, Jared. Mine. You can’t have it. No way. I’ll give you a frappe. I’ll give you a goddamn mango frappe. Right in the nose. It’s my blender.

This whole field is covered in blood. And then… shielded by a golden sea. No one knows the fertilizer that’s in this ground! It’s me! It comes from me!

He told me that I ruined the Beatles for him. I’ve heard that more than once –
from more than one man.

Do you mind if I put on some music? You don't?

Honestly! I should have my head examined. After my last experience?…you’d think I’d know better…but here I am…first thing in the morning…

Don’t worry. You are safe here with me. Most homeless people get a bad rep for being strange and off-putting.

Good morning class… Very good! Now on with… Timmy, you put that away. Today’s lesson is stereotypes.

It all started in this tent back in the sixties. I saw Jerry Garcia’s head swell up like a big balloon. I knew that Jerry’s head was forever!

Did you know reptile aliens have infiltrated our government? I ain’t just talkin’ ‘bout that show V. I’m talkin’ for real life.

Through a horrible miscalculation entirely of no one’s fault but my own, I found myself suddenly soulless in Santa Monica, California on a Tuesday with no transportation and a copy of Bukowski’s “Hot Water Music” as my lone companion.

You know which one of my jobs I love most, though? Being someone's
Shabbos goy.

Those two over there, they want me tell them what happened, but I won't.

Mister Congressman, sir. Esteemed people... ordinary folk,
much like myself, and all the rest of ya... I'm here to talk
about the new health care funding cuts, actually I want to
complain about `em.

Why in the wide world am I here?... well, of course I know why… I’m talkin’ ‘bout what led me to bein’ here... Girl, I’ve been where you are…

Today’s the thirteenth of February and it’s looking like I’ll be getting flowers from no one but my mother for the sixteenth consecutive Valentine’s Day.

We met later in life, long after we had both mostly given up on finding anyone and when much of the dating pool just screamed, "Red flag, red flag."

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. Every time we were together, I could only think of Rebekah --

People are so stupid! How do they survive day to day?

I’m about to lose it. My baby is not sleeping again. I’ve been up every 2 hours for the past week pretty much.

I felt obligated to serve. I had signed up for National Guard. A deal’s a deal.

Are you really married? Answer me immediately or I’ll get angry at you. We are enough close that you can tell me something about your mysterious life, can’t you? As you can see I am not asking you that much.

I have not been enjoying my time, my year and seven months here. Hell, I’m not even sure why I’m in The Rubber Room.

It’s a four wheel drive. I’m supposed to be able to drive anywhere. I ran into a tree in the park.

Listen to me Jon, and I’ll never speak of it again. I know little of wars. No one knows how a war will end. But I know this.

I have here in my hands a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill. That’s right- good old Ben Franklin himself- the real deal. And someone here in this audience will get to take Gentle Ben home with them tonight for the low, low price of… One hug.

I never knew my mum. She died of obstetrical hemorrhage during childbirth; severe bleeding. She lived long enough to hold me in her arms, look me in the eyes and say, “Sam.”

There’s one thing I can tell you about superheroes. No matter which one you’re talking about – Spiderman, the Hulk, Catwoman – there’s no doubt I have this right.

Daryl is one year away from vesting. One year! All he had to do was put in one more deployment on the blue water, and we would have been fine. But no!

You wanna know what my real problem is? It’s not the booze, it’s not the fights -it’s you!

You don't write Bible verses on restaurant receipts. It's not good business. And it's against the restaurant's policies.

I didn't think we were going to get here. Did Ted tell you I got stung by a platoon of ants this morning?

When I was in Lowe's the other day I ran into Mr. Bradshaw. Growing up, he was a neighbor of ours. He asked about my folks.

I'll tell you right now and I'll only say it once so you better slide up close and get both ears into it: I don't have to account to you or anyone else for my life.

Has this place changed me? No one for miles. No televisions. No computers. Or phones.

W-E-L-C-O-M-E-!!!!!

To the future

…Can’t tell you how glad… no. Happy. I was to hear from you again!

Amber, you just have to help me pick out something to wear for the awards show.

When I was five I got a budgie for Christmas. My big sister named him Couscous and I taught him to say “Hello Polly,” which wasn’t either of our names, but hey, I was five.

Oh, you goose. God himself could not oppress me.

I gave no whimpered pleas.

All I want is something real, you know? Like copper wire. You can touch it. You can measure it, length, gauge, resistance.

I run and run and run. And I never stop. Cannot. Cannot stop. My sneaker’s ripped. Both of them. Really?

You know what gets me, though, man? You know what really pisses me off? You know, with this whole “theater” thing?

The day my best friend died, it rained. It was as if the Heavens themselves were –

Oh, you fags are all alike. You come in here, seeking answers. And redemption.

I mean, I would film myself
Just not with a porn person.

I… don't know why I did it. I… really liked her though, you know? But she sent me…

Here I am, this very day, standing at what seems to be, the end of the earth.

Do you think he spotted me? (She checks) Okay, all clear.

Listen sugar, these fruit loops don’t want sex. They want power. They want to manipulate and torture and damage you so they can feel powerful over you.

Son of a bitch calls me up said he wants to meet in a warehouse. I say no deal, muchacho. I always meet in public.

It’z like one spoiled roll…
Yeah, one spoiled roll, you’ve ruined my breakfast…

Winston was behind me. All of a sudden Ah'uz lifted twenty feet in the air. Ah' woke up lookin' up at the stars.

I’ve got a really cool uncle, his name’s Bill. Whenever my parents have to go somewhere, they take me to his place on the other side of town.

I was there when my father died. Right by his side. Hell, almost on top of him, because I was more than just “there” when his heart beat its final beat, I pretty much lead him by the hand to death’s door.

Mortimer’s Magic. This is Mortimer. (Small pause) Yes ma’am, I do all of that. Juggling, acrobatics. Yes, fire breathing as well.

Hi. My name’s Rebethany. Rebethany Anne Chastain. I know, it sounds British, don't it?

You're kidding me. You're fucking kidding me, right? Why are they coming here? (Small pause) No, Reggie, no!

Oh my! You smell like marijuana! (Small pause) I haven’t smelled that since I was a girl.

I watched your father die. (He looks at her) There was nothing I could do. I had just come home from shopping and I heard the gun go off upstairs.

Sure, most kids I know who had mothers who stayed at home had happier childhoods than the rest of us.

I know this guy ever since I was a kid. And every time something comes up we get into an argument over it. If it’s raining out and I tell him its raining, he’ll say, No, man, that’s not rain, that’s mist.

Thy words

Bring rivers to my eyes. Please, forgive

My imposition. I’ll not ask thee anymore.

When I was younger my mom had this caramel colored dress that she’d wear to church every Sunday. It was the only one she had because we didn’t have a lot of money back then.

Dear Jesus, please bless my mother in Heaven and my father and my dog Bernard! And my friend Samantha from my science class, because she’s so nice and she helped me in my lab last week.

The world’s a shithouse, Arthur. A shithouse. Camielle knows. She’s seen it.

I’m an actress. And you know what that’s like.

Out of the starting gate, let me say that I find it difficult to believe you’d give a moment’s thought to my insignificant existence.

I can’t find the mall. I’m supposed to meet my friends. Hello? Hello? Mom? Anyone? Mom? Mom?

Dear Jesus, I’m sorry I called you a crock of shit. I just… (She drops her hands onto the bed) I’m not very good at this.

He wasn’t always evil. And that’s what hurts the most, you know? I… remember playing baseball when I was younger.

Because you’re fucking gorgeous, dahling! It’s true, I admit it. I was quite taken by your absolute yumminess.

Hello! I am so glad- happy- super excited to be here! Is that too much? Eight cups of coffee! I’m a little obsessive with caffeine. With everything! Okay, let me start over.

It was with a certain sense of weightlessness that I found

myself driving to our local box superstore.

I recently ran into an Old High School Acquaintance. To my surprise, this formerly semi-religious Jew revealed he’d converted to Christianity.

Hi Roomie! We finally meet!

It's me! Yes! Your college roommate!

I’m sorry, mama. I’ve said some horrible things just now. It’s just… I have been trying. So hard.

You wanna smoke some weed? (JEFF continues playing his video game) Yo, I said you wanna smoke some weed?

Yeah I shot him. What'cha gonna do about it, huh? Fucking pig. Fucking woman-hating, vaginaphobic son of a bitch!

Take your seats and listen up. Your beloved Mr. Greer hasn’t much... Musser! In your seat.

Do an old woman a favor and listen here for a minute. My baby ain't no hero like everyone say he is.

Hi. I'm Fred. I just want you people to know before I get started that what I'm going to tell you is the straight stuff. I don't pussy-foot around.

Ah, thou vexeth me.

I long to see thee smile. Come, stand next

To me; and we’ll gaze upon the earth awhile.

I am… stuffed! God, I'd love a smoke.

I am not a murderer. It isn't murder when you kill vermin: cockroaches, rats, weasels. Because that's what they were: two legged vermin.

Omg, yah, getting engaged is the end… I mean it’s not the end

the end, but sorta the end jk, jk, right, the story.

Some people are born hitchhikers. Some people can pick a direction at random, stick out their thumb, and instantly, whoosh, a red Ferrari driven by a handsome man in dark glasses swoops in to whisk them off down the road.

I have been on one road trip before. The summer after we first got together, Melissa took a summer internship at this PR firm in St. Louis, and she asked me to drive her out.

How to hide in a town of three hundred and seventeen people.

Yo! What’s up, homes? You miss me? Cause I sure as hell miss you, brother.

Laura? Laura? Remember the little boat we had on Harrison Lake
and how one night we rowed off until we felt that in the whole
world there were only the two of us, you and me?

It's a conspiracy. Men. Pretending they care for you, when in the end, they only care for themselves.

Here, come my friend. I give you a freebie. I read your tarot. I tell you your future. And this is freebie. This is free.

I can’t sleep. It’s four AM and I’ve been up all night, thinking vivid thoughts as I sit on the edge of the bed. My girl’s hair is curled around my fingers and I think of something sharp.

I just wanted someone to talk to. But… he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore…

It was the spring of 1969 when I joined the Army. Got myself right out of graduate school. It was the first time since I was five when I wasn’t in school.

I had been in India for about two months, casually touring the
countryside. On this particular leg of the trip, I was on the way from
Agra, where I had visited the only thing to see in Agra, the Taj Mahal,
going to Benares to observe the bathing in the Ganges.

Oh, Joe! I've been thinkin' about that question you asked me, about the penis. Not the second one, wherein you so graciously offered yours to my sight.

Eighty years. That's funny isn't it? Like one of those ludicrously over-sized foam hands they sell at ball games. Funny stuff right? Seriously, you can't make this up.

It’s fitting. It’s finally fitting. (He chuckles, sadly) Professor Church, I think you’ll be finding this house mighty fitting for a president of any university, and especially ours.

Sex with dead people? You know, you… put it like that, it sounds awful. But, it’s really not that bad. Of course, you… have to lubricate.

It started with 32 weeks, from conception to birth - a hurried, panicked affair, unexpectedly early, in the back seat of my Dad’s 1982 Taurus with ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and eighty seven miles on the odometer.

I hate cruelty. If there’s one thing I’ve always hated, it’s cruelty. I’m a peaceful person. I keep to myself, and I’m polite, and I never hurt others.

Do you think I'm fat? Okay so then why are asking me what I
want for dinner? I had a big, huge breakfast at like 12 P.M. and now
it's like what? 6 P.M.? Yeah. So why would I be hungry?

You know what it’s like to raise a retard? Do ya? God damn you, boy, you know what it’s like to raise you?

Bartender. Whiskey. 4 fingers of Jack. Straight.

Tch, not a bus in sight. Surprise, surprise—what can you expect at this time of day?

How many of you have ever had to wear braces?

Only through a child’s awe is the world innocent and free, then it all becomes a matter of responsibilities. A place, where love is sensuality of a moment:

Do not bethink me invalid

Just for my graying beard. For I have fought

A thousand wars, and seen a million years.

Yes. It’s… exactly how I remember it. (Camielle smiles) When you first arrive, they stick you in these smaller rooms. They want you out there meeting people.

He taught me about death. (a long pause) The stench of death was so strong in our house, my mother couldn’t buy enough incense to cleanse the air.

Hello? Hello … yeah I know this is Vic Silver's office. I helped pay for most of it ... the Danish modern furniture … the new carpeting … the phony Chagalls on the wall ... but who the hell are you?

You know, I had sex two weeks ago. With this one girl from Tennessee. Well, I had sex last night with a girl from Tennessee, also.

People have called me a hero, a killer, a saint and a psychopath. They even used to say the first three all in the same sentence: hero, killer, saint.

My basic look. Just a black head cap. In the hospital, I call it my lymphomatotally-
sucks look. Mom calls it my don’t-bother-me look.

Let me tell you a lesson about life! Ok? Life is not… What do you do? You sell Girl Scout cookies? Ok, let me tell you something.

We had this wok. We got it for our wedding. She registered
for it. I really never understood why. We’re not Asian. I’m not
racist, but it’s not like either one of us knew how to use the thing.

Last night I had a dream that Harlem was all electricity and music. I dreamed that Joseph Louis Barrow hit that Max Schmeling with a punch...

New around here? (Beat) Yeah. Don’t live here, though. (Gestures) Live out in the suburbs. Job brought me here. I’m on a lunch break. (Beat) I’m in the movie business.

My name’s Corinne. I’m a cashier at Coles. A “Checkout Operator.” People hand things to me and I hand them back and take their money.

And I told them I wasn't crazy, but they didn't believe me. Why would they believe me? I wouldn't believe me. I mean, I do believe me, but that's because I'm not crazy. And only a crazy person wouldn't believe herself. Unless she was acting crazy. Maybe that's a path I don't want to take.

We all make mistakes in life, Charlie. They chase us down. For some of us it's the tiniest turn off the path, and for some... well. This one goes into the wrong alley at night. That one buys his pot from the wrong dealer.

If there was one word to describe my mother it would be...How do I put this delicately? She was... (searching for the right word) She was.... She was Crazy!

If I could blast that stone into a million pieces, I would. If I could reverse the mortar and the flow of time, I would return that stone to dust...

If it hadn't been for you, I should have shot myself long ago. What's the family creed? "I believe in Gerald. I believe in Gerald the Brother. I believe in Gerald the Son. I believe in Gerald the Nephew. I believe in Gerald the Friend, the Lover, Gerald the Holy Marvel."

That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you are supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment, you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry. Because you feel so lucky that you found it, but so scared that it will go away all at the same time.

50 million women in the United States suffer from orgasmic dysfunction. 50 million. But tonight we are going to cut that number by 10. (Applause) Because tonight we are going to learn about the healing power of masturbation. The greatest source of energy known to womankind! Yes, yes, yes. I want you to write a name for your vagina. Anything you please. Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty. Christen her. Own her. It can be anything you choose, you know. All right, does everybody have a name? Let's see. What have

Not slighted are ye, powers august! through rage Curse not with hopeless blight the abode of man. I too on Zeus rely; why speak of that? And sole among the gods I know the key That opes the halls where sealÃ¨d thunder sleeps. But such we need not. Be appeased by me, Nor scatter o'er the land, from froward tongue, The harmful seed that turneth all to bane. Of bitter rage lull ye the murky wave; Be venerated here and dwell with me. Sharing the first fruits of this ample realm, For children offered, and for nuptial rite, This word of

Ye to the Argives should with sacrifice, As to Olympian gods, libations pour, My daughters! for deliverers they have proved, Beyond dispute. 'Gainst those assiduous friends, Your cousins, all that had been done they heard, Indignant, and forthwith, this body-guard, As mark of honour they assigned to me, Lest too, by secret spear-thrust slain, my death Should curse undying bring upon the land. Such favours reaping, justice bids us hold In higher honour still their kindly grace. These admonitions too ye shall inscribe With many prudent maxims of your sire, That Time this stranger company may test. Each 'gainst the alien bears an

Clansmen of Cadmus, at the signal given By time and season must the ruler speak Who sets the course and steers the ship of State With hand upon the tiller, and with eye Watchful against the treachery of sleep. For if all go aright, thank Heaven, men say, But if adversely-which may God forefend!- One name on many lips, from street to street, Would bear the bruit and rumour of the time, Down witk Eteocles!-a clamorous curse, A dirge of ruin. May averting Zeus Make good his title here, in

Ever have nightly visions manifold Beset me, since, intent on ravaging Ionia's soil, my son led forth his power. But never saw I dream so manifest As that of yesternight;--I'll tell it thee;-- Methought two women came before my sight, Richly apparelled, this in Persian robes Was habited, and that in Dorian garb; In height above their sex pre-eminent, Faultless in beauty, sisters of one race. As Fatherland the one by lot had gained Hellas, the other the Barbaric land. Between these twain, for so methought I saw, Some feud arose, which learning, straight my son Strove to appease and soothe; he to his

Hermes, messenger to the dead, guardian of your father's powers, help rescue meâ€” work with me, I beg you, now I've come back, returned to this land from exile. On this grave, on this heaped-up earth, I call my father, imploring him to listen, to hear me . . . Here's a lock of hair, offering to Inachus, the stream where I was raised. Here's another, a token of my grief. I was not there, my father, to mourn your death. I couldn't stretch my hand out to you, when they carried off your corpse for burial. What's this I see? What's this crowd of women coming

High thanks, my children, unto Argos con, And to this folk, as to Olympian gods, Give offerings meet of sacrifice and wine; For saviours are they in good sooth to you. From me they heard, and bitter was their wrath, How those your kinsmen strove to work you wrong, And how of us were thwarted: then to me This company of spearmen did they grant, That honoured I might walk, nor unaware Die by some secret thrust and on this land Bring down the curse of death, that dieth not.

I know not How fitly to refuse; and at your wish All ye desire to know I will in plain, Round terms set forth. And yet the telling of it Harrows my soul; this winter's tale of wrong, Of angry Gods and brute deformity, And how and why on me these horrors swooped. Always there were dreams visiting by night The woman's chambers where I slept; and they With flattering words admonished and cajoled me, Saying, "O lucky one, so long a maid? And what a match for thee if

I pray the gods to quit me of my toils, To close the watch I keep, this livelong year; For as a watch-dog lying, not at rest, Propped on one arm, upon the palace-roof Of Atreus' race, too long, too well I know The starry conclave of the midnight sky, Too well, the splendours of the firmament, The lords of light, whose kingly aspect shows- What time they set or climb the sky in turn- The year's divisions, bringing frost or fire. And now, as ever, am I set to

My mistress bade me summon with all speed Ã†gisthos to the strangers, that he may More clearly learn, as man from man, this tale Newly announced. Before the menial train, She, at the tidings by these strangers brought, 'Neath mournful eyes a lurking smile hath veiled, Exulting in events joyous for her, But to this house with direst issue fraught;-- But he no doubt will in his soul rejoice, Hearing the tale. Alas! unhappy me! How did the ancient troubles, hard to bear, Whose blended horror darkened Atreus' house, With anguish pierce my heart! But ne'er before, Have I a sorrow like to

O divine air Breezes on swift bird-wings, Ye river fountains, and of ocean-waves The multitudinous laughter Mother Earth! And thou all-seeing circle of the sun, Behold what I, a God, from Gods endure! Look down upon my shame, The cruel wrong that racks my frame, The grinding anguish that shall waste my strength, Till time's ten thousand years have measured out their length! He hath devised these chains, The new throned potentate who reigns, Chief of the chieftains of the Blest. Ah me! The woe which is and that which

Oh, mistery, misery! Again comes on me The terrible labor of true prophecy, dizzying prelude. Do you see these who sit before the house, Children, like the shapes of dreams? Children who seem to have been killed by their kinsfolk, Filling their hands with meat, flesh of themselves, Guts and entrails, handfuls of lament - Clear what they hold - the same their father tasted. For this I declare someone is plotting vengeance - A lion? Lion but coward, that lurks in bed, Good watchdog truly against the lord's return- My lord, for I must bear the yoke of serfdom. A daring

Old men of Argos, lieges of our realm, Shame shall not bid me shrink lest ye should see The love I bear my lord. Such blushing fear Dies at the last from hearts of human kind. From mine own soul and from no alien lips, I know and will reveal the life I bore. Reluctant, through the lingering livelong years, The while my lord beleaguered Ilion's wall. First, that a wife sat sundered from her lord, In widowed solitude, was utter woe And woe, to hear how rumour's many tongues

Think not that I for pride and stubbornness Am silent: rather is my heart the prey Of gnawing thoughts, both for the past, and now Seeing myself by vengeance buffeted. For to these younger Gods their precedence Who severally determined if not I? No more of that: I should but weary you With things ye know; but listen to the tale Of human sufferings, and how at first Senseless as beasts I gave men sense, possessed them Of mind. I speak not in contempt of man; I do but tell

Though much to suit the times before was said, It shames me not the opposite to speak: For, plotting against foes,--our seeming friends,-- How else contrive with Ruin's wily snare, Too high to overleap, to fence them round? To me, not mindless of an

Ye captive women, ye who tend this home, Since ye are present to escort with me These lustral rites, your counsel now I crave. How, while I pour these off'rings on the tomb, Speak friendly words? and how invoke my Sire? Shall I declare that from a loving wife To her dear lord I bear them? from my mother? My courage fails, now know I what to speak, Pouring libations on my father's tomb. Or shall I pray, as holy wont enjoins, That to the senders of these chaplets, he Requital may accord, ay! meed of ill. Or, with no mark of

Oh, well. It's a bit quiter without those two. Hear yourself speak. Too damned noisy before. All that crunching of toast. Like a brigade of Guards marching on gravel. Well now, Reg....."

Oh. Do you know something, Evelyn. Now I'm talking off the top of my head now because I've only just met you, I don't really know you...

You decided to be logical, didn't you, poor simpleton? Logic forever! The question now is: where will that take you?...

Do you have a light? I need a smoke so desperately and you don't smoke. I'm sure you don't smoke. Or maybe you DO smoke and I'm judging a book. Am I being hasty? I know I"m being manic but I really need a cigarette. Second hand smoke does kill. I was reading one of my fathers medical journals. I have a predilection for reading medical journals. That was a big word. That was obnoxious wasn't it? Sorry! I do that sometimes-I think I'm trying to impress you. But I

What a pleasant occupation these dances are! Very good indeed! What could be more delightful? You go to the assembly, or to somebody's wedding, you sit down, naturally, all beflowered like a doll or a magazine picture. Suddenly up runs a gentleman: "May I have the happiness, miss?" Well, you see, if he's a man of wit, or a military individual, you accept, drop your eyes a little, and answer: "If you please, with pleasure!" Ah! [Warmly] Most fas-ci-nat-ing! Simply beyond understanding! [Sighs] I dislike most of all dancing with students and government office clerks. But it's the real

What are you crying about, young lady? For shame, for shame! He, he, he! There! I'm older than you, and I don't cry. [Looks at her searchingly.] Oh, well, I know what it's about! I suppose you want to marry a young fellow? Now, this, my pretty one, is just girlish

When he was born, I was ill a very long time. Then he was always sickly, and he grew up puny. How many tears have I shed over him! Sometimes I would just look at him, and my tears would flow; no, it will never be my lot to see him in the uniform of the guardsmen! But it was most distressing of all for me when his father, owing to the boy's poor health, was unable to send him to a military school. How much it cost me to renounce the thought that he might become

Tsar Ivan was like a great volcano, and from the bowels of this volcano came an earthquake which shook all the world, and there would shoot up tongues of flame that carried death and destruction through all the land. Tsar Fyodor is quite different. I would rather compare him to a cleft in a green meadow. Its ruts and hillocks are overgrown with green, silken grass. But if you wander about carelessly, both the shepherd and his flock will fall through the cleft -- into a precipice. We have a

Everyone I know has a Christmas tree. It doesn't mean we're not Jewish. Look, I could call myself Sunny O'Houlihan and everyone around here would still know exactly what I am. Listen, the summer between sixth and seventh grade my best friend was Vennie Alice Sizemore. And one day she took me swimming at the Venetian Club Pool. Her parents were members. So we were with a whole bunch of kids from our class and the boys were splashing us and we were all

I shall go mad! I'll never entertain again--never--never--people ought to know whether they're coming or not--but they accept and regret and regret and accept--they drive me wild. This is my last dinner party--my very last--a fiasco--an utter fiasco! A haphazard crowd--hurried together--when

I don't think my wounds will ever heal. (Looks up) I have plenty of them. On the outside, AND the inside. I never really knew her, yet I loved her. My mother never loved me back, though. I adored my father too. Unlike my mother, he was always around. It seemed like he always had time for me. Mother was always away, burying herself in work or out with some guy. My father knew about these strange men, but loved my mother far too much to do anything about it. Sometimes

My wife is dumb. Quite dumb. I admit, I noticed it before we were married. I couldn't help noticing it, of course, but it didn't seem to make so much difference to me then as it does now. I considered her beauty, and her property, and thought of nothing but the advantages of the match and the happiness I should have with her. But now these matters seem less important, and I do wish she could talk; that would be a real intellectual pleasure for me, and, what's more, a practical advantage for the household. What does a

There I was on that cold, cold night waiting for him to come home. He never did. I needed him but he never came to me. I tried to call and all I heard was silence. I was scared. I went into the house and sat by the lit candles and waited by the phone, for that 1 phone call that I knew I would never get. I sat there waiting, waiting for the heavy bricks to be lifted off my shoulders. I so badly wanted to hear his voice

I never knew I was different. Growing up you always made me feel like a normal kid. You even let me hang out with you and your friends even though none of them liked me much (beat). You remember that day when jessi's brother called me that naughty word and mama said it was just because he grew up in a family where he didn't learn right from wrong? Well, now I know why he called me that name. It was because I am different. I didn't know before...now i

I knew somethin' was up as soon's I see The nags and mules hitched round the court house square-- "They'll ride tonight," I says, and I was right. I'm sixty-two year old come next July And I been post-mistress for most of 'em Right

Don't wipe my tears away like it will make everything okay. I'll never be able to get that taste out of my mouth, or the feeling of his hands wrapped around my wrists away! You couldn't possibly understand what I go through everyday. I trusted him, respected him and he took my dignity away from me. Will you ever experience the feeling of screaming your lungs out and not being heard? Begging, pleading, and crying for him to stop and not being acknowledged? I don't

Why, how impolite of him. I asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me. That's not at all nice. [Calling after him] I say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hmmm. He won't answer me. And I do so want to know what he is late for. I wonder if I might follow him. Why not? There's no rule that I mayn't go where I please. I--I will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I'm coming, too! [Falling] How curious. I never realized

I love Memory to-night. I prize her as my best friend. She is just now giving me a deep delight: she is bringing back to my heart, in warm and beautiful life, realities--not mere empty ideas, but what were once realities, and that I long have thought decayed, dissolved, mixed in

Paid subordinates! What! you are my paid subordinate, are you? Oh yes, I had forgotten the salary! Well then, on that mercenary ground, will you agree to let me hector a little? Most things free-born will submit to anything for a salary; therefore, keep to yourself, and don't venture on

I got this older brother, and one day he's comin' over the house to see me and my moms. I's never seen him before so I's kinda excited. Moms said his Daddy could kiss her ass but maybe the guy was alright. So he comes and he's a fiiiiine n---a, I'm tellin' you, all tall and cut and got this big tat of an alligator on his muscle. So we's eatin' some burger and he starts, you know, rubbin' up on my leg under the table. And I's likin' it.

I hate this shit. (Pause). No, I don't mean questions. I mean this whole damn place. (Pause). Yeah, I had a bad day. No, I can't stop cursing. God, you guys are a bunch of fags, man. (Pause). No, not like "gay" fags. Like lame asses. I just wanna get out of here, you know? (Imploring, manipulative) You could help me right? You're harder on me than the staff in my cottage. That's okay, I guess I deserve it sometimes. Maybe its good for me. But shouldn't I be rewarded sometimes, when I do good? (Pause).

When I was twenty years old, I had a baby boy in a Mother and Baby home run by nuns. And he was so beautiful. I kept saying, isn't he beautiful? I was hoping to marry his father; he had come to see me when the baby was first born, and I thought -- I thought everything would be all right. But then, he was gone, and he wasn't answering my letters. Them nuns weren't sending my letters out at all. And I never got any letters from him. I

[Discovered in his counting house, With heaps of gold before him.] So that of thus much that return was made; And of the third part of the Persian ships There was the venture summ'd and satisfied. As for those Samnites, and the men of Uz, That brought my Spanish oils and wines of Greece, Here have I purs'd their paltry silverlings. Fie, what a trouble 'tis to count this trash! Well fare the Arabians, who so richly pay The things they traffic for with wedge of gold, Whereof a man may easily in a day Tell that which may maintain him

“MY FATHER is deceas’d! Come, Gaveston, And share the kingdom with thy dearest friend,” Ah! words that make me surfeit with delight! What greater bliss can hap to Gaveston Than live and be the favourite of a king! Sweet prince, I come; these, these thy amorous lines Might have enforc’d me to have swum from France, And, like Leander, gasp’d upon the sand, So thou would’st smile, and take me in thine arms. The sight of London to my exil’d eyes Is as Elysium to a new-come soul; Not that I love the city, or the men, But that it harbours him

Ah, fair Zenocrate!--divine Zenocrate! Fair is too foul an epithet for thee,-- That in thy passion for thy country's love, And fear to see thy kingly father's harm, With hair dishevell'd wip'st thy watery cheeks; And, like to Flora in her morning's pride,

Ah, Faustus. Now hast thou but one bare hour to live, And then thou must be damn'd perpetually! Stand still, you ever-moving spheres of heaven, That time may cease, and midnight never come; Fair Nature's eye, rise, rise again, and make Perpetual day; or let this hour be but A year, a month, a week, a natural day, That Faustus may repent and save his soul! O lente, lente currite, noctis equi! The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike, The devil will come, and Faustus must be damn'd. O, I'll leap up to my God!--Who pulls me down?-- See, see,

Are these the sails that, in despite of me, Pack'd with the winds to bear AE neas hence? I'll hang ye in the chamber where I lie; Drive, if you can, my house to Italy: I'll set the casement open, that the winds May

Black is the beauty of the brightest day; The golden ball of heaven's eternal fire, That danc'd with glory on the silver waves, Now wants the fuel that inflam'd his beams;

Braue warriors, Clifford & Northumberland Come make him stand vpon this molehill here, That aimde at mountaines with outstretched arme, And parted but the shaddow with his hand. Was it you that reuelde in our Parlement, And made a prechment of your high descent?

I, Edward, will vse women honourablie, Would he were wasted marrow, bones and all, That from his loines no issue might succeed To hinder me from the golden time I looke for, For I am not yet lookt on in the world. First is there Edward, Clarence, and Henry And his sonne, and all thy lookt for issue Of their loines ere I can plant my selfe, A cold premeditation for my purpose, What other pleasure is there in the world beside? I will go clad my bodie in gaie ornaments, And lull my selfe within a ladies lap, And witch sweet

In thee, thou valiant man of Persia, I see the folly of thy emperor. Art thou but captain of a thousand horse, That, by characters graven in thy brows And by thy martial face and stout aspect, Deserv'st to have the leading of an

Leicester, if gentle words might comfort me, Thy speeches long ago had eas'd my sorrows, For kind and loving hast thou always been. The griefs of private men are soon allay'd; But not of kings. The forest deer, being struck, Runs to an herb that closeth up the wounds; But when the imperial lion's flesh is gor'd, He rends and tears it with his wrathful paw, [And], highly scorning that the lowly earth Should drink his blood, mounts up to the air: And so it fares with me, whose dauntless mind Th' ambitious Mortimer would seek to curb, And that unnatural queen, false

Most happy king and emperor of the earth, Image of honour and nobility, For whom the powers divine have made the world, And on whose throne the holy Graces sit; In whose sweet person is compris'd the sum Of Nature's skill and heavenly majesty; Pity our plights! O, pity poor Damascus! Pity old age, within whose silver hairs Honour and reverence evermore have reign'd! Pity the marriage-bed, where many a lord, In prime and glory of his loving joy, Embraceth now with tears of ruth and blood The jealous body of his fearful wife, Whose cheeks and hearts, so punish'd with conceit, To think

Now clear the triple region of the air, And let the Majesty of Heaven behold Their scourge and terror tread on emperors. Smile, stars that reign'd at my nativity,

Now, Guise, begin those deep-engender'd thoughts To burst abroad those never-dying flames Which cannot be extinguished but by blood. Oft have I levell'd, and at last have learn'd That peril is the chiefest way to happiness, And resolution honour's fairest aim.

She wolfe of France, but worse than Wolues of France: Whose tongue more poison'd than the Adders tooth How ill beseeming is it in thy sexe, To triumph like an Amazonian trull Vpon his woes, whom Fortune captiuates? But that thy face is visard

So that of thus much that return was made; And of the third part of the Persian ships There was the venture summ'd and satisfied. As for those Samnites, and the men of Uz, That brought my Spanish oils and wines of Greece, Here have I purs'd their paltry silverlings. Fie, what a trouble 'tis to count this trash! Well fare the Arabians, who so richly pay The things they traffic for with wedge of gold, Whereof a man may easily in a day Tell that which may maintain him all his life. The needy groom, that never finger'd groat, Would make

Speaks not AE neas like a conqueror? O blessed tempests that did drive him in! O happy sand that made him run aground! Henceforth you shall be our Carthage gods. Ay, but it may be, he will leave my love, And seek a foreign

Thrice-worthy kings, of Natolia and the rest, I will requite your royal gratitudes With all the benefits my empire yields; And, were the sinews of th' imperial seat So knit and strengthen'd as when Bajazeth, My royal lord and father, fill'd the throne, Whose cursed fate hath so dismember'd it, Then should you see this thief of Scythia, This proud usurping king of Persia, Do us such honour and supremacy, Bearing the vengeance of our father's wrongs, As all the world should blot his dignities Out of the book of base-born infamies. And now I doubt not but your royal cares Have so provided for

Villain, art thou the son of Tamburlaine, And fear'st to die, or with a curtle-axe To hew thy flesh, and make a gaping wound? Has thou beheld a peal of ordnance strike A ring of pikes, mingled with shot and horse, Whose shatter'd limbs,

He said it would be easy, that no one would know. Just go quietly and have it done, after all he said it is only a little procedure. He said it was my responsibility to handle it, that I should have been more careful in the first place. I asked him to not make me go alone... he said he would call me later when it was done. And so I went, alone and scared... not sure what I was doing or why; it had to be the

You want to know why I do all that... why I can't be normal and have a clean life. well it is because I had no clean life, my mom drinks, my dad does drugs and he is abusive. You look so suprised. I wouldn't if I were you. I do all the things they do, I learned from them! So why don't you call them in and see what they have to say about that! I know what they'll say, they'll say "we never did any of that... she's

You're asking me to react to how you feel, and how in the world could I do that? Me? I haven't loved anybody in a long time. I've gotten rusty and forgetful, among other things. In the past when somebody said they loved me, I felt obligated to love them back. I succeeded, too... without trying too hard. Do you think that was insincere of me? I never really believed them anyway. They went on and on as if they were reading the directions on how to put together a

I was a uniform cop before I was an attorney. I spent four years in a patrol car watching drunk's vomit on themselves. I spent most of my time doing paperwork, and being a witness for my partners in court, so they wouldn't lose their job as a result of physical abuse claims by car jackers and gang bangers. I was going to stay in that patrol car too. The only way I could see myself getting anywhere in life was to study and take the bar... and I passed

Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter for the way was barred to me. Then, like all dreamers, I was possessed of a sudden with supernatural powers and passed like a spirit through the barrier before me. The drive wound away in front of me, twisting and turning as it had always done. But as I advanced, I was aware that a change had come upon

It's like this, see. You guys don't do it right. No, just hear me out. You don't. In America you treat driving like it's a responsibility. In Italy, driving is an expression of your personality. Okay, some of you do it okay, but mostly it's the brain-dead teenage boys who're trying to prove what big men they are -- they drive recklessly and call it brave. In Italy, we don't think about brave or chicken, we think about owning the road. Yeah, I know it's just

Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis...

Carol is speaking with her college professor. The setting is the professor's office. The two started the discussion about Carol's grades, but the discussion rapidly turned to a heated debate. Why do you hate me? Because you think me wrong? No. Because I have, you think, power over you. Listen to me. Listen to me, Professor (pause) It is the power that you hate. So deeply that, that any atmosphere of free discussion is impossible. It s not unlikely. It's impossible. Isn't it?

He puts his hand on the child's chest, and he says "heal", as if he felt he had the power to heal him, he calls on God...it's in here...

So here I am. I'm just in town for a one day layover and I happen to find myself in this bar. So, so far so good. What am I going to do? I could lounge alone and lonely and stare into my drink, or I could take the bull by the horns...."

Editor's note about this monologue: We have received numerous emails asking where this play can be found in its entirety. Unfortunately, it seems to be unpublished and therefore can not be located. If you have any information regarding this play or its author, feel free to contact us. Thank you. Note: There are various ways to cut this monologue down in time to a shorter version, if needed. It was like a scene out of some bad tv show. There I was, curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor, watching the

Ziggy Martin. Is it you? Is it really? I saw you with Dave Matthews. In Syracuse. It was the most beautiful night of my entire life. Did you really sit in with Sting? I was at the Black Hole when you were there. I'm mad about the Hole. It's the best club ever. I had this song I wrote for you but they wouldn't let me go backstage. In November, two years ago. I was sitting right in front, surrounded by an entourage of coffee cups. I'd had eight cups of

Camping Ahhh...the great outdoors, I love camping... well I love the thought of camping. Problem with camping is leaving the comforts of home. Like soft beds, heated rooms, light switches and flush toilets. But we seem to crave getting away to the wilderness. It’s cheap, restful, and exciting at the same time. I hate the packing most of all. You don’t want to leave the comforts of home really. So you try and pack as much of it as you can. These days they sell all kinds of stuff to make camping

Dieting Anyone dieting here? That's a hard part of life isn't it? My wife's on a diet... She's been on a diet for like years. She progresses from one diet to another. Working a diet for a while, Then she announces the discovery of the next 'better diet' Like there's the Weigh Down diet This is a diet where you can eat what you want, but only when your hungry. Sounds good doesn't it? The catch is 'Weigh Down' has redefine what hungry is. And it's not the 'I feel hungry' you and I know. Weigh Down's hungry

Facebook/ Community Community, getting together , having fun. We used to find it at parties, or clubs But more and more we are doing it on our computers It's easy, you don't have to dress up, do your hair, take a shower. Just sit your stinky butt down in front of your computer. Post that younger looking picture of yourself and there you are, out in the Network. The NET What is Networking anyway? A few years ago when that term came out we all faked we knew what that was. But none of us really knew how

Home, A man's castle!... Home isn't a man's castle; it's a woman's Doll house. When we were growing up; Boys played with Lego, GIJoe and Hot Wheels. While girls played with doll houses and Barbies; And when we grow up we just keep on playing. Guys like building things; they get their boy toys like the full size versions of their Hot Wheels cars. And girls, they play Doll house with their new full size homes... Barbie living in her Doll house. Nuisance boys that could care less about playing Doll house, Grow up to be thoughtless slobs who

I need to exercise, I don’t like running so I figured I’d try out swimming but not just the wave pool, jump on a mat swim, I need to get some exercise. So I go to the ‘lane swim time.' Have you seen this? They’re an organized group of swimmers in lanes fast, medium and slow lanes. It’s like a Machine. Swim up on the right come back on the left, pass in the middle. Oh and you better make sure you’re in the correct lane. The Fast lane, this is for your serious swimmers,

I think women's breasts have the attention of most men. Don't you? It's one of those Natural attractions. I've researched this phenomenon exhaustively....*looking at a woman in the audience then shakes of the distraction* And I believe looking at breasts, is a natural, involuntary response. Now I have the best of marriages with the most beautiful of women. I have no reason to look for any other eye candy and I don't. But I am forever catching myself looking at women's breasts. It doesn't matter who they are, even my sister or