Here are two great monologues that you could use for anything from a community theater audition to a Broadway audition.
FEMALE MONOLOGUE
I Ate The Divorce Papers
by Gabriel Davis
(Monologuist stands in front of her soon to be x-husband)
I ate them. That’s right. I ate the divorce papers, Charles. I ate them with ketchup. And they were good...goooood. You probably want me to get serious about our divorce. The thing is you always called our marriage a joke. So let’s use logic here: If A we never had a serious marriage then B we can’t have a serious divorce. No. We can’t. The whole thing’s a farce, Charles – a farce that tastes good with ketchup.
(beat)
I mean, wasn’t it last week, your dad asked you the reason you walked down that aisle with me, and you said “for the exercise.” Ha, ha. That’s funny. You’re a funny guy, Charles. I’m laughing, not a crying. Ha, ha. I’m laughing because you’re about to give up on a woman who is infinitely lovable.
(beat)
For instance: Paul. He has loved me since the eighth grade. Sure, he’s a little creepy, but he reeeeally loves me. He’s made one hundred twenty seven passes at me, proposed forty seven times, and sent me over two hundred original love sonnets. He sees something in me, Charles. And he writes it down, in metered verse!
(beat)
And that’s not something you just find everyday. Someone who really loves everything about who you are as a person. Paul may be insane, but I value his feelings for me.
(beat)
I would never ask him to sign his name to a piece of paper promising to just turn off his feelings for me forever. But that’s what you’re asking me to do, for you. To sign away my right to...to that sweet voice Charles, those baby brown eyes, the way you hands feel through my hair before bed...
(beat)
Those aren’t things I want to lose. In fact, I won’t lose them. I won’t lose you. I’ll woo you. I’ve written you a sonnet. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day. Thou art more lovely and more temperate, rough winds do shake the darling buds of may and...” I’m not crying. I’m laughing. It’s all a big joke. It’s very funny, Charles. I keep waiting for you to say “April Fools.” Then I’ll rush into your arms and... But you’re not going to, are you? No. Of course not. It’s not April.
(beat)
I, I didn’t really write that sonnet, you know. Paul did. I think it’s good.
(beat)
You see, the truth...the truth is, Charles, I ate the divorce papers, I ate them, because I can’t stomach the thought of losing you.
MALE MONOLOGUE
The Most Frightening Wonderful Thing
by Gabriel Davis
(Monologuist enters a restaurant. He is wearing climbing gear - looks like he came directly from a mountain. The woman he is speaking to, Barbara, is in the middle of a date)
I’m sorry to interrupt your date, Barbara. (to Date) Hi buddy, how’s your date with my girlfriend going so far? Good? (In response to Barbara) I asked Trish. She told me you were here. (to Date) You don’t mind if I sit down, do you? Thanks. (to Barb) Listen, honey...I can explain my absence for the last three months, really. I can. See. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever known. And that can be a little...scary. Look at this guy, he looks petrified. You know how three months ago, I kinda ran out on you at dinner? Of course you do. I wasn’t being rude, I was being scared shitless. See, I wanted to, kinda tell you something extremely important. But I choked. Big time.
(beat)
I went home and, I cried, I wept uncontrollably, Barbara. Now that’s not like me, I’m not a weeper. But there I am, reduced to whimpers, because I don’t have the guts to tell you that I want you to ... so I turn on the TV, it happens there’s this documentary about these guys who climbed mount Everest. (to Date) Oh, you’ve seen it, buddy? (Back to Barb) So, I start thinking how brave these guys are, and why can’t I be more like them.
(beat)
I mean those mountain men have stared death in the face, no way they would have been so anxious to ask if you ... See, then it occurred to me: I should climb Everest. If I climb Everest, little things like this, they’ll be a cake walk. I know, I shoulda told you. But I just...went.
(beat)
The next thing I know, I’m trapped in a nylon tent at 25,000 ft. with a mountaineer named Gus. Winds over 100 mph are tossing grapefruit sized rocks and sheets of ice bigger than manhole covers though the air. All I can think about is you. I keep rehearsing this moment in my head, over and over...
(beat)
Every hour, Gus or I have to bundle up in our summit gear, crawl from the tent and shovel the snow into the screaming wind. If we don’t, the snow will bury us, seal off the last bit of fresh air and slowly asphyxiate us. I keep thinking of this moment, with you. And in my head, this moment, it’s not getting any easier. Somehow Gus and I manage to survive. Four days and the storm passes. We continue to the summit. The highest point on earth.
(beat)
At the top, it’s breathtaking. You can see what seems endlessly in every direction, and there’s this sense of being a God. I even made Gus call me Zeus. Then, staring out over my kingdom, I had this incredible, life altering revelation: There is nothing on earth more frightening, than a beautiful woman.
(beat)
I have looked death in the face Barb. Just like those guys in the documentary. And I have to say. Looking you in the face. Asking you what I’m about to... It’s still harder. Barb, Barbara my dear, my love. (takes a breath in) Here we go.
(beat)
Will you marry me?
Look for more monologues to come at AuditionArt.com!